..what’s the commotion ~ 01.05.09

I’m not one for New Year’s resolution.  I never keep them.  I used to, though.  Draft a list, I mean.  But they remain creased and discarded until I find them years after so I stopped. *grin* I was 9 years old then.  So I started a diary.

The old cynic in me always thought that promising one’s self something is only good for that moment the two of you (yourself and the other self) made an agreement to change your life.  I may talk with myself but we don’t agree much about anything anyway, so what’s the point.  It’s better to take one step at a time in the subject of LIFE than disappointing yourself for not changing anything when you read the list again.

I’m not afraid of what this year will bring.  I’m not afraid of what the future will bring either.  I like to challenge fate with “Hit me with all you’ve got!!” and, though, broken and bruised I know I’ll come out all right.  Limping towards the finish line is more fulfilling, I must say.  After all I’ve been through I definitely have a reason to brag. : P

The past coupla days, I tried to take a peek of what lies behind the curtain that marks the year 2009.  It was pretty foggy and unclear it gave me a headache.  The doors for Family, Work, Money (yay!) and that thing they call Love were there but they were closed.  That’s fine with me except I would prefer the last door locked so I won’t try to get in.  (I prefer not to this year but there is no telling, is there?  Hahah..)  I forgot, I only entered that door once or twice, and prolly one more time, in my whole life!  *grin*  (I know you’re reading this and I tell you “I’m keeping my word titah M! I’ll be nice!” Hahahaah)

There’s a storm brewing in the horizon for my family.  It started last year and chaos is inevitable.  Years ago I would’ve preferred not to be there when things break but, I am a part of it as much as the next sibling, so I have to be there.  In fact, I want to be caught in the middle of it.  For one, I want to confront who started it and hit ‘em with the facts right in the B-hind.  Some people just need to be taught a lesson.  There is a limitation to my tolerance for foolishness and spontaneous, shaky, decisions that affects everyone.  And I no longer have any room for immature self-pity by the one who make selfish choices, favor the wrong people and feel superior when life is OK but look like a useless, drenched chicken who got caught in the rain, when its not.  I refuse to let MY parents be the only place this disrespectful wretch run to when in need and only rank second place when life gets better.  Enough is just ENOUGH!

Hmmm.  That got me all riled up for a moment.  I’ll leave that for now.  But the minute the storm breaks I’ll be there.

Now what of work?  Well, the new job is way so much better than the last one.  That may be too early to tell but in terms of exhaustion and unreasonable tasks, I no longer have that there.  *grin*  Not for now, that is.  Come to think of it, I would never know ’til that change, huh?  *sigh*  Nevertheless, I find it way better for obvious reasons that I’d just like to keep to myself for now.  *grin*

Who knows what the year brings.  Good or bad, I am excited to face the year.  What else could make living more fruitful than by learning and experiencing the element of surprise.  Life cannot surprise me anymore, although, a nice surprise would be well appreciated.  Hahhah.

.. ramblings of a nut job ~ 11.10.08

             I can't sleep.  I toss and turn and end up finishing a book I've been saving for two weeks.  I'm starting another one now but I'm almost half way through it.  For weeks sleep fails to come when it should. I tire my eyes answering puzzles and top it off with a book.  I do everything except clean the house and still I don't get tired.  The quiet of dawn makes it worse.  And no, I'm not on uppers.

             My only companions are the mp3s I listen and sing along with.  Thank God they're not soul music.  I'll prolly be tearing my hair out and start waxing the floor.  Still, Alternative Rock now tells about unrequited martyrdom.  Poor things.  How they rip out their hearts for the one they longed for or got away.  The things men do for love. Sheesh. 

             I feel guilty when I hear cars outside.  I know people are starting their day.  It makes me want to sleep in case they notice.  But I can't force myself to.  There is truth in the falsehood of pretensions.  How I envy the slumber the rest of the world had.  I won't have mine in an hour or two.  And that wouldn't be without help from Moi.  I have got to reset MY clock to the right time.  Feels like PST.

             The sun's peeping through the horizon now.  Arrrgh.  I'm starting to hate the last quarter of the year.  These longer nights shorter days bit is really getting to my unsettled nerves.  The rest of the country should go back to resetting THEIR clocks just like before so I wouldn't be too obvious.  Five in the morning already gives you that sunrise you'd love to see by the beach or on top of a mountain.  It's like mocking me for being in the very core of civilization. Too bad I don't hear a rooster around here or slippers and everything else I can throw will be flying over someone's backyard.

             Dammit!! Hinder's playing Better Than Me again.  I do love the voice but, for Pete sake, it's too early for nostalgia.  The man can really sing desperation and not ashamed of it.  Good for him.  The song does make you see that flicker of hope, though.  Hail to the women who really made a big impression on a man enough for him to regret and enough to make him kick himself hard in the B-hind.  Good job ladies!  Serves them right.  :D

             Don't look at me.  I'm just cheering for the women of the world.  They've come a long way, baby, and no one appreciates them more than other women.  Besides, I can do that for an hour or two.  Still can't sleep so I don't mind. It gives me something to do while I multi-task with Sudoku and crossword puzzle.  Nyahhaha.  Now where is that pack of Virginia Slims??

             The Bantays are barking now.  Prolly asking for breakfast.  Noisy dogs.  I'd bark at them to shut up if only I were sleeping and the moment the mysterious kisser is unmasked is cut short with the yip yapping of those Bantays but I don't have the right.  By the time I rest my eyes I wouldn't have a care in the world.  Even the Black Parade can't wake me up.  I'd be Counting Blue Cars by then.

             Tsk.  I wonder what it's like to spend your day waiting for food to be served and wag your tail and do tricks to make up for it.  Sounds like some men I've heard about.  Except men would say they are already outside if you shout “Bantay, out!” at them in the garden.  And they would also scream “Damn! Woman! You confuse me!!”  In that case, a woman is better off with Bantay.  *grin* 

             *sigh* Sometimes I wish I were afraid of the dark but my parents never believed in scaring their kids so they'd sleep.  No wonder all five of us sneak out of the house on Friday and Saturday nights.  In fact, during blackouts my parents used to light that big Petromax (so old school *grin*) and we'd all wait out with songs accompanied by my dad's guitar strumming.  And that goes on until the wee hours of the morning.  Even Bantay feels at ease.  Witching hour was a time for hot chicken soup in my family.  My parents taught us not to be afraid of the dark.  But they forgot to tell us to sleep early.  Grrrr.

             It's six in the morning now.  I'm still not in the verge of sleep.  My biggest consolation is I can turn the volume higher and let The Fray reaches a consensus because Chris Daughtry is still not Over You, err, her.  Prolly because Delilah is still wearing Plain White Ts and the Lifehouse makes you Blind.  Or Creed heard the Echo when Evan & Jaron shouted “Stop Feeling Too Damn Good or you'll Fallout Boy!!”  Oceans Away in the Calm Before The Storm David Cook shouted back “This Is How You Remind Me so Follow Me and Never Let Go.”

             Uh-huh.  I'm Hanging By A Moment turning into a Basket Case and someone would hafta Drive me somewhere Far Away if I Don't Stop Dancing.  Come Now, I Dare You To Move.  And don't bring that Photograph coz its Blurry anyway.  Hmmm.  I may be Unwell from riding that Sick Cycle Carousel.  I'm Barely Breathing.  I've had Better Days.  If Everyone Cared I'm just Trying To Find My Way in the Real World.  Pardon Me but I Think God Can Explain.

             Before this Hysteria becomes real, I have to go.  If I Could Be Like That I'll Spin Higher.  So 'bye for now.  I'll Be back and by then you can Take Me Away. Just Save It For Later.  By The Way, There Is Nothing Good About Goodbye.  I'll settle with what I can Give Forever.

             Ack!  Sleep, please come now.  Look what you made me do!!  I don't want to finish all artists and songs on my list!!  I'm shutting up now.  I'm so way Over My Head!!

.. why woman ~ 11.09.08

A typical woman wants to get married and have children and, God forbid, a house inside a white picket fence. To have a good relationship with the in-laws and friends from the other side (sounds scary, hahhahah) and, of course, a kind and loving husband that can provide food and shelter for the family, and the occasional clothes, jewelry, shoes, trip to Macau or Hawaii, is a chance a woman won't pass. Well, it wouldn't hurt to have an exact copy of that wonderful bathroom from Home Designs or even a kitchen you have been dreaming about. Maybe twice a month you spend an entire day shopping? Admit it ladies, there is no harm in hoping we get all the nice things in the world. To most, love should be present in all those chances. To others, love can either be in or out of the equation. *grin* But who's still typical nowadays?

Some gals want to hook them a big fish someday and live happily ever after. Some want to have their career rise up to the highest possible heights so they won't need to depend on a man. Others wait for true love to come, sometimes end up cursing fate for not hurrying up. And, still, others give fate a little nudge, in case it forgot for a moment that they are waiting. Summing it all up women have one thing in common. They don't want to grow old alone.

In my thirty-something years (let's keep it that way, hahaahha) I have met quite a number of women with different views about family, marriage, money, love and destiny. They have two sides in keeping a family together, with or without them. Money is either saved or spent, and what ever life gives them they would either receive with thanks or improve and make something greater. Marriage and love, however, changes a woman.

A woman in love has this certain glow that you just can't help but notice. To have patiently waited for it they, subconsciously, want everyone to know that love has arrived. Once in love they climb all the mountains, swim every sea, and spend the rest of their hours on the phone with HIM after saying goodbye on the way to work thirty minutes ago. They can't stop talking about their good fortune and, sometimes, give unwanted advice on how to find your own. Everyday with them is like dating their man, watching movies with him, having drinks with their Mr. Right and knowing all the good things about him, except you haven't met him yet. But don't get too comfortable, it's hands off for the rest of womankind. *grin* They know snakes when they see one.

Marriage completes the change in a woman. This is when you'll see the sacrifices she makes that she wouldn't even dream of when she was in college. She endures the pain and trials that life will throw at her only to stay by her man's side. Once she says “I do!” the word compromise has been etched in stone in her vocabulary. She'll learn to cook, wash clothes and be the best wife she can be. Meeting her again, after not seeing her for so many years, you will find great wisdom and a copy of her recipe for Adobo that her husband just love so much.

Years have passed and women still want the same things. But now, they are much stronger in their resolve to get what they want. Everything is in the eyes. Look at them and you'll see a woman's soul. The eyes hold contentment in the life that they have. It also holds dreams that haven't come true yet. But don't be fooled. Behind that laugh there is still that devious scheme that, someday, she’ll have that sparkling diamond bracelet and her man can't do anything about it but pay for it. :D

.. muted nothingness - 10.29.08

    I haven’t written my personal thoughts for quite some time now and I woke up one day finding how I’ve missed it.  I’m still writing and getting paid but the topics I am paid to write are way too far from personal issues.  At least not at first.  I don’t know if my editor had noticed but my articles are becoming personal.  Sometimes, running out of things to say, I use my personal experiences so I can beat the deadline.  I know it is time I write something for me.

    Sitting here with hand poised over the keyboard I bumped hard into a blank wall.  My need to say something overcomes the existence of what I was to say.  I feel like standing on the podium about to say my piece and when I opened my mouth to hit the audience with my views all I managed was a loud “Bleeeeeettt!!”  Damn! Now what?!  I can’t just go chew some grass and blink dumbly.
    I turned the music louder (I write better when it’s noisy).  Changed the music to something louder (Let’s see if that wall doesn’t tremble with rock music).  Still nothing.  Hmmm.  How do you hit back a blank wall?  What if it hits back?  I frantically shred that thought.  I don’t want to know.
    Arrrggh!! Three paragraphs of nothing is an embarrassment!  So many has happened since I spilled out my guts but I don’t even know where to start!  Damnation to eternity and beyond!  This is giving me a headache.  I look ridiculous with my forefinger on the side of my head.  Okay, okay I have the two of them on both sides for good measure.  I feel like the thinker and I’m not even naked!  Oh, right.  He didn’t have the same ridiculous pose I have.  *blink* *blink*
    How do you wrestle with nothingness when you don’t even see where to hit it?  How do you conquer the silence of the mind when it has zipped up and managed to throw the key to a bottomless pit of more nothingness?  You can’t even politely ask it to step aside coz you can’t reason with it.  I’d like to hit some blank wall butt but its cemented real good I know I won’t even scratch the surface.  Whoever made this stupid wall learned it from my dad.  (wab you dadeh!!)
    It has been four hours and still I have nothing.  Maybe I’ll just work on my articles.  Maybe I’ll just go and lie down for a while.  Maybe the next time I try my hand at writing something here I’ll have more to say.  *sigh*
    Maybe I’ll go eat some chocolate cake…

.. rain falls ~ 10.10.08

            There are people in this world who hate it when it rains.  The dampness of the world would echo the gloom in themselves and pulls them lower into the pit.  Waking up with a gray perspective just don't do much to someone's disposition and there's a certain annoying quality to the pitter-patter of rain.  The taunting random chant surrounding the world makes it worse than it already is.  For each moment the rain reflects the turmoil raging inside.

             But I love the rain.  I only don't when it ruins my laundry but that's beside the point.  I used to hurry home every time it rains, beside the fact that I'll be drench if I don't, so I will be in the comfort of my home.  And it feels so nice to stay in bed while the rain wash the world of its filth so to speak.

             Its been raining so much lately.  And without warning you find yourself stuck in a place you'd rather not be.  There's always no way out unless you want to brave the heavy rain fall which causes more complications than you can handle for the day.  You just bought your new pair of shoes.  You are wearing a silk blouse.  You love those pair of jeans and would hate it get ruined.  So you stay put giving yourself all the excuses you can think of for staying.  Most often than not you're good for a while but as the rain continues on you become antsy and afraid.  Who knows how long until it stops?

             Funny.  Life does teach us the lessons we need to learn or somehow forgot.  If there are metaphors in a statement there is rain to make us understand.  Reminding us of what we don't want or need in our lives.  Telling us to change course or brave through it so we don't get stuck.  It teaches us a valuable lesson to make a decision the moment it falls.  The rain is a hard example of what life can throw at us at any moment.  Don't hate it.

             Once upon a time I got so drenched I felt like drowning.  After I braved through my rain I congratulated myself for making the best decision.  I can always buy a new pair of shoes.  A small price to pay than staying in a place where God-knows-what lurks.  I did not realize it then that I just pulled myself out of harm's way.  The kind that would dim the brightness I have in me.  I found the courage to leave after reminding myself that I have a home where I can feel safe no matter how hard the rain falls. 

             I went back to that place after the rain stopped.  Not just once.  In fact, more than twice.  I tried to make sense of the awful feeling I had when I was there.  Trying to understand what made it different from the other places I've been to.  Wanting to show myself that it wasn't that bad.  Still, it only looks normal and tame when the sun is out.  Every time it rains there goes the same scary feeling again.  There are just places in this world that you can never feel safe.  It is so sad.  That place has its potentials.

             Now I watch the rain contented of staying away.  The world does not run of places I can be and stay for good.  I don't call it luck but good judgment.  And I don't hate it.  The rain taught me not to be afraid.  It said that I made a good job taking good care of myself.  I have indeed.

.. days of old ~ 10.09.2008

            I must admit, pictures bring back days of old.  I was recently looking at some old pictures yellowed with age and a couple that pasted faces at the back of another.  (Its not just people who don't like getting too close for comfort, eh?)  Some old ones were lucky enough to be scanned and saved in the PC yet they give the same feeling of nostalgia.

             Funny how innocent we look when we were young.  The eyes sparkle, no care in the world, and its smiles all around.  (You should see Chan-chan's teeth and Lyn-lyn's skirt!! Hahahahah..)  The places in the picture even look different.  The lives we had then were simple, true, uncomplicated.  Recalling the feelings and emotions we had  brings back unadulterated happiness.

            A lot of people may want to go back to those days and do life all over again.  Maybe, just maybe, they can do it differently knowing what they know now.  They all think they can do life better given the chance.  What they don't realize is all the choices, hardships, mistakes, and encounters they've had made them the persons they are now.  It's actually not that bad.

            When I look at my old pictures I embrace the memories I hold dear.  I have met a lot of people different from each other, laughed with family and friends 'til I cried, cried for something I had done and for what someone had done to me, sneaked out of the house while my parents were sleeping so my sisters and I could enjoy nights out.  Then meet up with my brothers who sneaked out earlier.  My dad used to grumble that there were no motorcycles left at home every night.  *grin*

            I treasure that day I gave birth and hugged Dart.  There was pride when I first saw the life I  helped sustain and protect for months and I feel it in every corner of my soul.  The moments when I saw him first smile, walk, crawl, laugh, dance, utter his first word, and then some, gave feelings that others may never have or may never realize.  Simple things that stir great emotions should be experienced at least once in our lifetime.  Never to be taken for granted or under-valued.  And not to be ridiculed by those who will never understand.

            I cradle the times I help build our home, aced my physics exam, wrote my first article, kicked my first goal, saw my first summit, won speech and oratorical contests, chaired the dance, props and communications committees AND organized my school's beauty pageant.  (Just organize, mind you.  I can't picture myself taking a walk down any ramp except those meant for gurneys, chairs with wheels and what not.  Hahah.)

            Anyway, old pictures remind me of the life I once had and everything in it.  That doesn't make my life now any less.  Being older and more mature does have its rewards that my younger days could never provide.  There's always the chance of making life better and patching the areas that got torn.  And there's always knowing everything there is to know to become wiser and happier.  It gives me the chance of find that one thing I was looking for.  Myself.

            *sigh*  I always make it a point to remember the old days.  On days that I feel down I look at old pictures to remind me of how far I have gone.  Oh, happy days.  And I will have more of those.  I have a good life, better than most.  I made this my own all by myself and I treasure everything in it, both the past and the present.  I don't want to change anything or prefer someone else's no matter how rich or how successful they are.  One thing's for sure, they don't have what I've got. 

.. his story ~ 07.11.08

I met him over laughter. I laugh loud but he laughs louder. I didn't know who he was then. Just some friend of my close friends whom I haven't met. All I know is he's new, he's tall and he's so at home with my friends. My friends know I talk to people when the time comes, that I don't initiate conversation with people I rarely know, and that I let things alone.

I didn't like him then. Too loud for my taste and takes up too much space, my space. So when he cracks jokes I would continue reading my book, wished I brought an earplug and ignore him. He always coax Bismark to lay out in detail all his escapades and to every one's glee that feeds the hysteria. Sometimes I can't help but laugh and sometimes I just roll my eyes. They all like him, though, for reasons girls like guys of his stature and guys feel comfortable in his presence.

Girls turned their heads when he pass by. He does look so regal in that uniform, smells good too. And brags that he washed and pressed them himself. He is funny like that and so old school. He rarely wears perfume but as I said, he smells good. *grin* I realized later that he is the best looking guy in plain white t-shirt and old Levi's. Funny thing is, he was oblivious of girls' admiration towards him. But when he smiles that bright, warm smile of his they can't help but love him.

Yet I wasn't attracted to him. I don't go for first impressions. I talk to people first before I say anything about them. Talking is how people reveal themselves. I haven't talked to him yet and I've no reason to. We usually sit at opposite ends of the bench and I tend to turn my back. When the group go out I mind my own antics and he minds his. We don't outshine each other and respects the other's spotlight. He keeps quiet when I talk. I steal a little quiet talk on the side to whoever is next to me when he starts to open his mouth. *grin* As far as I was concerned, he was just a friend of the guys in my circle, the girls like him, he doesn't interest me and if he stays out of my way he'll last longer.

When we got used to each other's presence we started bickering. I expressed how annoying he is and he purposely annoy me more. It became a game to us, a greeting, an acknowledgement. I still hoped he'd disappear, especially on days I irritate easily more than most. But he was gentle, and nice, and funny, and loving. We finally met under the moonlight when he kissed my forehead. That surprised me and made me ignore him more. But he was there, he waited. He was patient and he understood when I ask him to wait until I am sure. He defied the odds with me, brave the storm of my chaotic life. Stood by me and comforted me. He gave me his strength so I can be strong, protected me from the coldness of my pain. On such a rare time I allowed someone to hear my woes and see me cry. He brought laughter in my heart and cradled my soul. He was my hero. I fell in love.

It would've been good until fate said its not time. He needed to go to do what is expected of him. We trust fate knows it is us in the end so he left and I waited. After some time I wondered about the loss and I got scared. If it were up to us there will be no separation, but life has other plans, and we were deceived. We both thought we got left behind by the other.

Life went on, and on, and on until six years later we crossed paths again. Nothing dramatic, I didn't expect anything like that, but it was indeed symbolic. For years I've rehearsed what I was gonna say to him. But it all went awry. All negative feelings disappeared. Its never easy when you're already by the bridge, right? In the end, time has paled the conflict and meeting again made everything really seem like an anthill. And it was. I thought I will never see him again, that there'll be no chance in the world. But I did see him again. It is enough that he is back.

We tried to build something for us. Plans made that carried me off my feet. It both excite and scare me. I was really overwhelmed at what has been happening. Who would've imagined we've meet again after years of separation let alone make plans for the future. He's still the same knight that I remembered, gentle, God-fearing, kind, very understanding, devoted, honest, responsible, truthful, all that and more. And still the funniest, most mature guy I know. We talked everyday and he visited me. That time he showed me how wonderful he still is. He took care of me, protected me and assured me. The time we spent was enough to make up for the years we've lost. Life was again good.

He was so eager to make changes in his life. He wanted it so bad that he rushed everything up. He couldn't wait. Our lives are far apart and someone needs to move to solve that problem. He wants me to decide and fast. I wanted it too, the plans of a future with him. I waited for it, longed for it. Just thinking about being together again was enough for me to believe in the real thing. But it scared me. There were lots of things to consider, arrangements to be made. And I was reluctant to let go of the life I proudly created all by myself, to be far from my family not able to visit them as much or for him to come to me and leave his life behind. What if it won't work out? What if we make a mistake? What if he suddenly leaves? In a way I got the jitters. It scared me so much I lost sleep over it. I needed him to talk to me more, to assure me more that things will be all right, to tell me that we can do this together. In truth, it scared me so much.

Then I made the mistake of my life. I was reeled in on the promise of forever. Out of someone else's selfish motives I got even more reluctant to make a decision. I was led astray because someone thought he can do better in making me happy. In truth, it was just to ruin a good thing I may have with someone else by fooling me to believe he has changed, maybe because he ruin what chance he had. My doubts were used to make the worse decision of my life. I will always regret how manipulative other people can be and how I gave someone another chance when he doesn't deserve it. Someone who has shown and proved nothing but deceit beyond words. The one person, so full of lies it was overwhelming, who doesn't deserve anything.

But it hurt the person who has not done anything to hurt me. It broke him so much that he went away. I asked for forgiveness but realized how much he must have hurt for him to stay away that long. Two years after what happened I still remember sadly how I blew it. I may be scared then to step up the next stage of life but I knew we could work it out. I should have known that he CAN make things better for the both of us. As reliable and responsible as he is he will never give up until I am convinced of it. But that's gone now. I often wondered what the reason for seeing each other again after six years was. The chance of being happy with him passed by and I let it slip. Fate have ruled us to be together but I got so confused and unsure. Now I have nothing but regrets.

I still can't forgive the person who ruined it all. Whenever I see him he is all but a liar to me. For a time I long for comfort but as I try I cannot find it in him. How I look at him with disdain to purposely pry me away from my chance of a better life, better than what he knew he can give. I kept forgiving him but he can't help what he is. I guess that is what he is entirely, a brute who thinks he is better than most, a selfish failure, in the aspect of loyalty and truthfulness, who use your vulnerability to manipulate and get what he wants. Sad to say, that's what he'll always be, no one can do anything about it.

I don't expect things to be the same but all I wish for is forgiveness now. Forgiveness from the very person that got hurt in all this. He was the one true thing that got away. I'll keep hoping that in time he will find it in him to do so. Time heals faster than most. I'll be here.

.. my memories ~ 07.02.08

          There are some things we miss so much. Moments we had all to ourselves and/or times shared with others. Good or bad remembering them always make your thoughts trail away and leave you staring blankly at the floor, the ceiling, a chair leg, your messy table or anything your eye landed on the moment you drifted off to nowhere. (I always get a kick out of watching people’s faces when they trail off in the middle of a sentence *grin*). Its amazing how people can shut off everyone else like that. I know I have.
          Although I still tune in to my surroundings (I read with both my eyes and ears) there are those moments when I turn off the volume on everything other than my thoughts. Music may still linger and, in fact, may intensify the level of remembering. Laughter or sudden noise may snap me out of reverie but I respond in slow motion. Or I come back to reality once the memories are squeezed out of my system. But still there are times when I refuse to stop. These rare times are when the thoughts are just too wonderful to let go.
          Like everyone else I revisit the good times. The times I felt happy and life was so good. Remembering going home, being home and wanting to stay home never fails to fill my days dreaming. I fill my days remembering the excitement of going home, seeing the kids and the rest of the family and dumping myself in front of the television. They say a bum doesn’t choose a place of idle but nothing is more fulfilling than bumming at home where I can sleep beside Sean while the tv is on, wake up next to Jade watching another show, and discuss motives, crimes, art, wit, tricks, verdicts, advance technology, four elements bending, and a lot more, with Dart & Sean.
          Remembering fun and happy times with VERY good friends is also one of the best memories I always go back to. These people have given me a family outside my home. They became my sisters, brothers, warmth, love, advocates, freedom fighters and comfort. There’s always a shoulder to rest my head, a soothing voice to calm me and love to have when I thought I lost it. For years they provided me with that place thats so like home yet different in some ways. I swelled with pride in their success, held their hands through treacherous times, stayed awake with them on soul-searching nights, provided solace in my heart and fought for them while they regained their strength. Come to think of it, we had fun through the pain each of us went through. Someone is always there. No one is ever alone.
          Then there’s that time when love was given and love proclaimed. Love was kept and love was proven. Love was always around and everything was okay. Being on top of the hill, under the moon, by the beach, driving around and the smell of content. The admiration, the laugher, the warm hands that held on, the arms that protects, the gifts not expected and the little things that mattered. Love that waits, love that understands, love that forgives and love that can be forgiven. One that doesn’t judge, and the one who waits. Ahh. Such good times. We’ve all been through that.
          Lastly, the best times are when I am alone. The quiet in the mornings, the extended sleep till noon, the books I can read and the tasks I set for myself. After all the chaos a little quiet can definitely do so much. Being around no one allows me to reflect on how my life is and what my goals for the next day are. I get to relax and be want I want to be. I stop everything and loosen my nerves. I’m content when I breeze through the day doing nothing. And at the end of it all, I give thanks for the things and the people I have in my life. No amount of money can compare to the wealth that I possess. I miss those times. I love being on my own because it defines me.

.. changes ~ 06.26.08

A sudden change has happened. I was forced to embark on a journey that neither tells me its for the better or for the worse. It is not as easy to conform to what fate has done as this change is not to my liking and wailing my way out of it is just not possible. Well, when it comes to fate there is not much we can do but sit and enjoy the bumpy ride, right?

Yet since the last time I wrote something here there had been lots of changes in my life. Not all of them are heart-wrenching or devastating yet this is the second undesirable happening since then.

There was that unfortunate moment of trying to salvage what was obviously lost. I knew it would still come to the same ending but sometimes we just don't learn, do we? But then again I've expected the same turn of events and I was very much fleeting through the moments half-hearted. *sigh* We do that often when we know what is coming and I can always predict this one, like I always do. There goes the need to understand and be open-minded.. *whew* Down the drain it went!! Its over and done with now so I looked at it like it is, spoiled-stinky milk.

I often wonder why I subject myself to the drama when I know it ends up in the same alleyway. First of all, I remain impartial to everything. One way of protecting myself is closing my will to feel. And second, well, I know I can handle it and there is honor is coming out of it still sane and in one piece. Knowing that I can survive such a hard blow is a good enough assurance I can give myself.

Then this. Tsk. Don't get me wrong. It isn't as bad now as how it looked the first time I was given the news. The shock of ceasing settlement of my comfort zone had a strong impact on my consciousness that I forced myself to be all so negative about it. I know, I know, one must not let fate rattle you this way but I wanted to complain and whine about something, so let me be! :P Still, now I feel like I'm always behind in my duties both at home and the office. I can't keep up with all of the things I need to do coz I'm exhausted all the time. The little sleep that I get isn't much to compensate for the stress of needing to stay awake longer than I would've wanted. And there are still the things that need to be done everyday. Blah, blah, blah..

On a positive note, I enjoy the stress of balancing work and home. I welcome it, in fact, for it tells me that I am strong enough to do it. No matter what comes my way to dissuade or make me lose my belief in myself (and yes, they have come) I remain standing, and firmly at that. All is well that ends well, as my friend Will used to say, and I totally agree. Besides, there is always the other side of the coin so I'll wait until it flips.

As obvious as it was, with all the write-ups about it, one big change has indeed caused my happiness for this summer, and for the rest of my life it seems. Those close to me have been informed about it, and some who weren't have a pretty good idea what it is. In all honesty, this major change has pulled me out of the sinking ship that I have tried hard to keep afloat. It has regained my vigor to continue on and I'm still here just like always. I am grateful of this chance to prove myself. The love of that one person just fills you and so forth, doesn't it? *grin* Dreams do come true. And it doesn't matter if you crawl your way out of the pit covered in mud as long as you continued to aim for that one thing you want and need in your life, without a doubt you'd be happy.

All these that happened, big or small, has made me come to the conclusion that no one can man my ship better than I can. Yes, people may need someone to stand by them and support them but there is GLORY and pleasure in being able to fight for one's self and come out victorious. People come and go, they may stay for good or leave when you least expect it. Let them. Once you've clung, strained, held on and managed to steer the boat out of the rocks in that heck of a storm the rest of mankind couldn't do squat where you want to land the ship next. *widest grin*

..for the love of ~ 06.09.08

Dart has been nagging me about swimming a month ago. He trained in Dgte and wanted to do the same here. I thought its a good idea too so we started the daily regimen of an afternoon swim. It was fortunately the same week when I was on leave (which I was supposed to retract but thought otherwise) and we went to the pool for days on end.

I'm glad my son has interest in sports. He likes swimming best. People always say he will do great in basketball with his height and all but I wanted him to do what he wants to do for himself. If he doesn't want to play basketball it's fine with me. He can choose any sport he likes as long as its not boxing or any extreme contact sport. Hehehehe. For the time being, swimming it is.

I wanted to go in the mornings but waking up early is just so hard these days :D So there we were at 5pm or 6pm (whenever we get our butts out of the house) and bathe in the glory of a deeply chlorinated pool. It felt so great. It has been a long time since I have exerted an effort to swim and I realized I missed that feeling of pushing myself 'til I gasp for breath.

I remember that time when my older sister and I used to borrow a 'bangka' and row ourselves towards the deep. Correction, I row us to the deep. *grin* I learned to handle a shanty boat from backing, turning left or right, stopping and such from that adventure. Once the water is a prestine aqua marine that's when we stop and jump over the boat. From the strong current we often find ourselves along the waters of the next town!!

My parents never knew of this or they'd forbid us to go anywhere on weekends *grin* so it has became our very own place, anywhere in the deep. When the sun starts to set I would steer the boat towards land. My sister just hold the other oar, you know, small limbs and all. :P~ But I have become an expert boatsman during that time. It was one of the experiences I had with my sister that I'll never forget.

So I went swimming with Dart. First time he dove I was so proud of him. He is a very good swimmer and has the perfect form. His strokes are in great shape and with those long limbs of his he will be a great swimmer. He looks good in his trunks too that I made a mental note to keep an eye on him. Tsk. I would need to keep a tight rein on this one. Hahahahaaha. I just hope he would keep this drive for swimming and take it seriously. I would hate to see him turn to some other sport and forget about this. I think when I told him he can do whatever sport he wants I was crossing my fingers and wished he'd go for this sport. Hehehehe.

I'm glad I went with him. I get to exercise my lungs and move myself more. And water is such a divine element that it wraps you in calmness. The pool is always kept warm and although sometimes it rains, the feeling is always exhilirating. Water always gets to me. Looking around the people and students splashing in the pool, some practicing, others just there for a dip, I felt that same feeling of vigor. I felt I was training for a competition in school and the gathering of people aiming for their own goals kept us all connected through the wide expanse of the warm water.

By the time my leave was over we didn't get to go as often anymore. But just the other day we went to the tracks and jogged. This time I woke him up after I got home from work. I figured that if I go to sleep we will never get to do this. Nothing beats jogging in the welcome of the sunrise. Oh, how I missed this too. The pool and the tracks have always been my home.

I pushed myself just to see if I can still do it and I did. But I don't want to snap any tendons and strain any muscles or experience for the first time kissing the ground from exhaustion so I circled five times and walked the rest of the way. That was good enough for me. Dart did his non-stop rounds and I stretched along the tracks while I waited for him. It was a great start and, for sure, we will be back to prance another day.

It feels good knowing we share the same interest. Seeing that my son also likes the same sports I do makes me feel closer and well-connected to him. I am so proud of us and all the times we spend together. This is how I want our relationship to be, sharing the same interest and spending time doing what we both love. I want him to know that I support him every step of the way. I know that he is still finding his own niche in the world and I want him to know that I'll be right beside him.

We plan to go jogging again tomorrow. We'll see about that. School will be starting on Tuesday and I hope they have great teams for the sports he likes. I wonder if I'll give him more nudges than I intended towards soccer too (one of my three most loved sport). *GRIN* Since its also an endurance sport he would fit perfectly in..

Hmmmm, I'll figure that one out later....

.. emergence ~ 06.08.08

I breathe in the fresh air of the morning and close my eyes. What a brilliant day it is. I just came from the infamous toil of life and heading towards my comfort. Home has a different meaning to me now.

A month ago, home was a symbol of tranquility. A place where I can lay my head down and relax my mind and body. I always feel free when I'm at home and rush to it after work. But it was also then that I face my ghosts. Whenever I awake I see and hear the monsters of my soul. They don't hurt me as much as before, though, but they are a constant reminder of what I want to leave behind. They feel like a mist of ugliness that hovers above and hugs its smokey essence around me in my waking hours. Subconsciously I brush them off and smile as I see them take a nameless shape. I have conquered my resolve not to let them affect my life. Still I see them around the house nothing but a hazy echo of the past. They became my constant passive companions. Harmless and forgettable.

Its different now. Home is where Dart resides. I get a hug every morning and that alone takes all the heaviness away. The minute he opens the door I would feel my heart leap and so full of love. There is calmness just sitting and listening to music or watching movies knowing that my love is beside me. I feel a different kind of joy in the aroma of food. I find pleasure seeing his happy eyes at the surprises I bring for him. Never have appreciation been fully appreciated and treasured. I have found my confirmation that I, too, can bring happiness that comes from a little box. The little things.

With him all grown up he helps around the house with chores. He is responsible for some things and makes sure that he has done them all when I get home. He doesn't ask for my approval but does his chores because they're his. We became a team and he my greatest companion.

He eats with vigor all that I cook trusting me that he'll love anything I present to him. He doesn't doubt for once if I can carry him along the journey of our lives. He knows now he belongs to me. His history has been laid out in front of him and I trust him to assess his life better too.

Months ago I thought what we have shared is already gone. He has grown and in his need to grow up fast I feared that his affection has also left me. But it hasn't. It has stayed dormant all these years waiting for me. When he first uttered "Mommy, read me a book." with that sweet, lovable voice of his I laughed and felt my heart swell. Learning that we still have this bond noone else has made me cry. I have never been this happy. For he has always been this sweet and I thought I have lost that.

Reaching for me for a hug or calling my name for one ("Mommy, hug hug sa ta please..") is music to my ears. I have missed that song and thought I'll never hear again. I hug him hard and full of love until he agrees to let go. I know he finds comfort inside my arms and I thank him for giving meaning to my life. He has replaced the ghosts and showed me a life much better than what they had offered me a long time ago. He did this all for me.

My son, so grown up yet still the baby that I know, has made my home worth more than just a place to come home to. It's a place we call our own.

.. summer cuddle ~ 05.10.08

I thought my plans for this summer will never happen. Preparations have to be made for the next school year and plans need to be polished, etc. I had my hands full with the follow-ups I needed to do regarding some documents and I thought then that I'd never get a chance to stop. But after that day I talked to him two weeks ago, a plan was made to go away for a while and spend time together. He wanted an adventure. The kind that we haven't done before and the reason this entry came very late :D

I jumped at the chance. I needed to rest my head on the thought and actuality of a couple of days at rest. To walk along paths that don't lead to office doors, to touch the wide expanse of any body of water, to take off your clothes and just bask in the sun or to sit still on a wooden bench overlooking the sea, watching the sun rise, and rest at night knowing you can do it all over again the next day. Utter nirvana! Total bliss!

Well, we used to do this every month. Go anywhere we fancy and just forget the problems, work and life in general. So we went on that adventure. And what an adventure it was. Instead of him driving we did it the old fashioned way, we rode the bus. He wanted to see the sights and relax on the way North. And it was fun. We were like kids enduring time lapse for the promise of candy or chocolate. It literally felt that way. The sun was bright and the weather agreed to our journey. We looked like fools smiling and grinning all the way.

When we arrived I stop clenching my teeth. I was just so excited to embrace this vacation and nothing could ruin it for us. There we were walking the last steps to the preordained getaway, exhilarated from the travel and excited to start the day when we were told that there were some problems at the resort. Apparently the pool is unusable because of the heavy rain from last night. Hearing that was disappointing, I do love the pool, but I knew we could go somewhere else in the same area. We both understood what it meant. We will be revisiting one of the first places we stayed at years ago. No worries. The place with its memories and clustered greens will do just fine.

Once there we talked about the last time we set foot on the same sand, engulfed the clean air, resigned to the serenity of the place and relaxed. It was so easy to throw away all the troubles. One cannot deny that this was where we could close our eyes and just breathe. We made good memories here that nothing and no one can ever take away. Times when no one else can compare.

We promised to take in everything in that place. The beach was great, the pool was the way we remembered it, and the food was wonderful :D I could say we enjoyed this visit more and then some. After all those years, adventures like these are still so sweet.

I could not describe in detail how wonderful that time was, how easily content can make you remember what you sometimes forget. Those things that make life simpler and true. It doesn't need to be all festive and frolic. What I wanted was peace and quiet with a dash of warmth. I got that, it was real. I was really there and I enjoyed myself so much.

There have been so many disappointments. so many days when we throw the towel on the subject of us. But it was not that day. Two glorious days, in fact. The place was romantic without malice and we have it all to ourselves.

He wants to make plans for the next adventure. We couldn't stop talking about it. This time we go farther North. Where ever it may be, I wouldn't mind. All I want is another chance to see the calm side of life. I can hardly wait. He loves making things possible.

.. fate's game ~ 04.26.08

Fate. It plays a joke on you. Just like life does. And like life it pins you into a corner and demands you make a decision without giving you time to think things through. At times the jokes aren't necessary and you frown at them both. Little did you know that no matter what life and fate throws at you, no matter how much you disagree, these are things that would shape your world.

I have always been in the hands of fate. I once tried to defy it and I paid with my resolve. So I learned to wait for fate to hand me my destination and I make choices then. I got pretty good at it that it made me stronger and more willful and less afraid of what may be.

Fate threw a fast one at me recently. A meeting of souls. And I felt that familiar crossroad of indecision. Sometimes I wonder what those crucial moments of meeting means. When someone found you seconds before you step inside the vehicle that will take you away do you give meaning to it or shrug it off as pure luck on his part? Or seeing someone you thought you'd never see again, out of the experiences you've had, do you see hope? When you caught a glimpse of someone at the same time you were thinking of him, does that mean anything or is it just a fluke on the natural order of things that made you cross paths?

All of us have experienced a turning point that changed the course of our lives. That very moment when you have to say yes or no, go left or right, walk or run. It is when you are standing on the very spot where you have to decided on something that will make you regret or be grateful. What do we do? How would we know? How can we tell?
The day fate played with me I was to embark on a journey of change. There came the person I least expected to see. I had surpassed so many things but it was one of the rare times my mind turned off and I was full of nerves.

I immediately felt the sadness. Everything came rushing back. But I put up a front of nonchalance and kept my cool. In my mind I was frantically searching for a sign that tells me this will happen now. I have thought of this meeting and rehearsed what I would say but it was too soon. I raised an angry fist at fate for putting me in this situation. No way is this a coincidence. I kicked myself for not leaving sooner. I remembered I wasn't in such a hurry to leave and spent so much time gathering my things. I thought, since I have so much time, I can spare a couple of hours and relax before I leave. What an ambush.

Then he asked if I can stay awhile. I didn't know what to do! If I'd say yes it would throw all the months of coping and self reassurances down the drain. Seeing him brought all the remorse back and I know I have to nurse my soul back to health again. If I say no it would be ignoring that desire to deal with my ghosts and play deaf to the faint calling of hope. Hope that someday there will be no need for fronts or pretending not to care and no more occasional twinge of pain at the sight of him. Sooner or later I would have to face this ghost and free myself of it. What better time would I have.

So I said yes. I do not know if this would bring me back to the circle of events that I ran away from. But I made a decision and I know that I can be rational about it. There are questions that need answers and if that results to better understand then there will be no regrets. Things have changed. I had vowed to a life with someone who deserved my love and affection from the start. Seeing him doesn't mean he'll be back in my life.

I was grateful that fate nudge me to this moment. This is a time to prove how I have grown and show myself I am strong. I made a decision on the spot based on a promise I made to myself before that. Accepting what cannot be and releasing myself from the treacherous bind that was wound around me. Lies can be told and assurances made but I will only believe when all supposed truth are proven. I had accepted those lies when I used to believe in him. But that has now gone.

For now things are good. I still went on my journey and when I came back he was still there. Talk is overrated yet its necessary to air both sides. The same confessions and assurances are made. Moments are spent catching up with movies we haven't seen and food we've missed eating together. Things are running smoothly and in time with how things used to progress on previous reconciliations. In a matter of days we would know if the mood will change just like it used to. That's when we'll see the underlying conflict.

Yet we only have a couple more days before I continue on the course of my life that I painstakingly planned. A life I couldn't wait to have. A life he is not a part of. I do not know what will happen after that and if he can somehow be a part of it. In my mind I need to start that life on my own. If this time he had been truthful then he deserved to be let in but only when all the pain has gone and no more of the same causes. He has promised that.

Fate probably is laughing so hard now. One thing I learned so far, the truth will come out. It always does.

.. my new crown ~ 04.23.08

My plan to go home, thwarted by someone else's schedule to take a vacation, got pushed through days after my supposed day to leave. It was fine. There really weren't anything important in line for my time. And, in a way, it turned out great.

I received a message from my baby asking me to hurry home coz he misses me. No feeling can ever describe it, knowing that someone is waiting for you and couldn't wait to see you. I was feeling more excitement than usual to be home. If only I can just close my eyes and be there when I open them. *sigh*

When I got home I spent time with mah babe. Not the same time I spend with him anymore though, coz things are different now, with him all grown up and all, but still it was time well spent. I loved the time he was with me even when we were just doing errands together. I bought him a few things, things that he had been asking for, and I glow inside knowing that he looked good with them on. We had our pictures taken, a project I've been meaning to do but just didn't have time with, and it turned out well. He is indeed all grown up and has turned into such a handsome young man. A very tall, handsome, young matinee idol. The glowing inside me just didn't stop *grin*. Motherly pride, heheheeh. *sigh*

Every time I'm in Dumaguete there is no telling what I will be doing. I'd often expect to just stay home and watch movies with the kids but sometimes friends come to call and I'd spend time with them too.

This time I did something really unexpected. With Julie, I changed something about me that I only dared to change once in my whole lifetime. It was actually by accident and I was surprised at myself for allowing it to happen. But then, I was in this state of mind that I should be changing my life. In the last minute, I decided to do it. :D (i bought a new wig, hahahahaha)

I have done this same thing before (i love talking in riddles, this way I'll know if people do get what I'm talking about or not). Still the same scary feeling but, hey, it was for free and he said he wanted to do it for me and loved seeing me so jazzed up about it. But I didn't do it again for a long time. After two years of that I missed the old me so it never entered my mind again let alone ponder over it. Julie was just waiting for my confirmation and I was in that awkward moment when everyone was looking at me waiting to say "Aye" or "Nay". I soooo hate being ambushed into making a decision, hehehhehe.

I was glad I did say yes. It came out better than I feared. I mean, physical change is hard for me coz I'm happy and contented of how I look (i've been given the gift of super confidence as friends and family may know). Let's just say I tend to keep myself as how I was born and didn't believe that a new me would improve my life, love, work or whatever. I don't even wear makeup for pete's sake!! I don't even know what retouch is until a friend said she'll be off to do that. Even my grandma said I should put some on sometimes. Hahahaha. And besides, I fear that my face might react to makeup, or any skin embellishments for that matter, and the outcome would be hideous (allergies and what not). Thanks but no thanks.

So there I was looking at myself and liking it more. It was something new. Talk about vanity. :D But is one vain when one wasn't anywhere near that deadly sin for more than 30 years? I think not. Its just the knowing that whatever I do I still feel good about myself (and look good mind you, ahihihiihi) and that is what matters. Its a step towards waking up and realizing you are in a different world and you still conquer the odds.

I just don't know how long I can keep this up. Women suffer the most in cases like these, don't they? Or maybe some women are more enthusiastic about it than others. Its the maintenance that's killing me!! And all these do's and don't's that seem to balance themselves out, if you think about it, but still you need to do it. No wonder I don't do it often. This thing on top of me is just soooo like makeup and other women's rituals, tedious and time consuming. I just laugh at myself for being such a woman. Hahahahah.

I'm glad that its not permanent and eventually I'll be the old me again. I'll be counting the days till I get it back and will embrace its return for years and years. :D No more damn rituals!! Maybe in the years after that will I consider doing it again.

For now I'll savor it. Although there's something about the old me that I want to go back to now (now na!). A touch of originality and simpleness. If you call unruly ordered chaos simple! Hahahaha.

.. blah blahs 'n all ~ 04.11.08

I seem to be writing a lot lately and I'm enjoying myself. I didn't care before, thought I never would if my blog is updated or not. But here I am beginning to get headaches if I don't write what's in my head. Thing is, I have to update all my blogs and at the other sites the dates don't match sometimes and not usually in order. Hahahaha.

One major reason prolly is there's not much work AT work (we're well loved) and I have lots of idle time (after I take my daily nap *grin*) that I start typing away. Another is the feeling of contentment I have with my life and myself and nothing could go wrong. Still another is how I see to it that I get to steer my life to its right course.

I have so many things in my mind that I want to write about. Too many in fact that I don't know what to write first. Should I start with the heartaches and/or disappointments and continue on until the current mood I'm in. Or should I write about how I surpass life's challenges and just let everything flow through me. At times I just stare at the blank screen and "Eureka!!" I get what my heart and mind feels would be best. And I am yet to write that thing for someone that I can't seem to start. In the end I reach out within me and ask myself what I feel strongly about at the moment. Its best to tell a story when you have gathered all your thoughts and know that it's time to put it into writing.

I recently posted the story I wanted to tell. That problem has been gnawing at me for days. It may not be enough for others to just tell it. For me, for now, it is. Sometimes we just need to let others reflect on their lives first before we impose. If I were in that situation, which I was long ago, I had asked my friends to just stand by me. I needed them to be there when I fall but I want to deal with my life myself first. And they did. And for that I am thankful.

I plan to cook my favorite dish before the end of next week. I want to put it off 'till I can't take it anymore *grin*. Ohhh, I'm so excited! It feels so good to indulge in one's wants sometimes. (Shhh, I've got chocolates too if you care to ask *yey!*)

In less than two weeks I'll be home again. I can't wait. So many things to do. Plans that I have been prolonging are currently in motion. My life's goals are finally going to happen. I'll be seeing my family, my friends and Dart again. Hope I can squeeze in all things I want to do. Go out on adventures with Laarni: CHECK!. Visit the falls Julie was raring about: CHECK!. Spend time with Jade, Sean and, of course, Dartoy: CHECK!. Go see Kel: Check!. And more.

*sigh* Life is good to me and I can't ask for more. I have savings for rainy days and its accumulating wonderfully. I have peace in my heart and its showing me the beauty of mornings again. Love in my life and I have lots of love to give. I have the people who matters and bonds so strong. I have insights and wisdom and growth. Who else could have given it to me but Him?

Let me space out to the land of tra lala for now... I'm loving my life so much I have to stop typing. *very wide grin*

.. the unwritten ~ 04.13.08

          Countless times I take a moment for myself, sit down in calmness next to a blank paper and a pen.  I search through my mind where I should start and how I should begin.  I wanted to write something for him.

          Trying to get a feel of him and look for his meaning in my life I dig deep into my memories and relive my happiness.  Minutes would pass and then hours.  Still, and always, just a dot on paper which means that at one point I've found the right words but stopped to search for better ones.  After some hours I stop trying and hope to start again another day.  But not after I realize why the first try had been futile.  I just CAN'T do it for reasons of my own.

          For days I try.  Do the same ritual of assessing my thoughts grasping for inspiration.  Crease my forehead and concentrate harder.  Recollect those times when he showed me how much he cared and loved me.  Unfortunately, I can only get hold of nothing.

          My writing is general and honest and unbiased.  It involves everything from how it made me feel and how it affected me.  For someone whom I devoted myself to he can't seem to make the words fly out of my mind and onto paper.

          This has bothered me for months.  I was always quick to hold on to a thought and write unendingly until all about it has been written.  I wake up after a good night's sleep and get an idea that results into quite a good read.  When I was growing up there were times when I get depressed or sad or lonely and I make really good poems expressing what I felt.  In secondary school, when my life was full of confidence, contentment and teenage happiness, I made a poem book and wrote all about it.  A project that a friend of mine, who shared my passion, and I had made. 

          It was always easy for me and required no hard concentration, no rituals, no meditations.  All I need is a couple of minutes to get into the groove and then I'll be off writing my thoughts away.  And it is still easy for me now.  I wrote other stuff, too, while we were together.  Why then can't I write about him?

          I put all memories of him, years of memories, in a big circle and looked at each and every feelings and emotions.  Separated the good and the bad.  Weighed the honesty and the deceptions.  Swept in one corner the disappointments and disregards, in the other corner the thoughtfulness and unselfishness.  I touched on the hurt-aches and pains, opened my heart to the love and care.  Looked at the gentleness and emotional cruelty from one to the other.

          There were definitely more of good than bad.  Lots of happiness than sad.  The love and care cannot be forgotten and the happy moments will always be there just like any other memory.  He made me let go of my emotional restraints.  He changed me from an indifferent and protective (of myself) person to a caring and open soul.  I became forgiving and trusting.  I began to feel.

          But the deception and hurt weighed three times as much.  For he had been forgiven again and again.  He had vowed that will be the last, that the deception is over but still its the same.  I had given my trust and gave him the benefit of the doubt.  When he came back, numerous times, I embraced him hoping he realized his mistakes.  I didn't judge him from his past but nudge him to be better for his future.  He taught me to trust and then he exploited it.  He needs, and lies to suit his needs, and doubts if those needs aren't met.  He blames others for what he has become and self-righteously ignores what he has done.  Paranoia is his thing because he has started what he feared.  And the worse thing is.. he comes back. And even worse.. I take him back.

          I have the need to thank him for he has changed me.  I didn't stop trusting.  I am still free.  I've learned that its wrong to waste a perfectly good feeling repeatedly when you can have it and make it grow some other time and with someone else.  I knew, and he admitted it too, that I wasn't the problem but he is.  I could not agree more.  He had made quite a big difference, good and bad, and for that I am wiser.  I came out of the evil cycle and learned that it will never end until I turn to a different path. 

          I will never find an inspiration from him.  He will not be in my songs or poetry but he'll always be the one who made me step out of my shell.  Still I will remember the disappointments to remind me of what will not change and what he will always be until he realizes what he has done wrong.  He is but a memory now.  He is a time in my life that I have lived and have grown out of.

        

*** I am sorry.  This is how I feel.  I hope this explains everything that went on in my head and the weight on my shoulders during the last months.  And I hope this time you hear what I have been trying to say.

.. misfortune ~ 04.11.08

          I disagree about a lot of things.  Some things I condone and somethings I don't let pass.  When asked, I give my views about situations that may not be neutral but definitely drives a peg home to the truth.  I know that advises are not meant to be followed but are given to open options when the mind is in a one-track course.

          I came across a problem lately.  Two close friends that previously have a sturdy relationship is now facing the biggest trial of their lives.  When everyone learned about it shock was the first reaction to visit our faces and emotions.  Disbelief and denial that this strong couple is going through the same motions as other people's wretched relationships.

          How could that be?  There have been no conflict between them all throughout their lifetime.  Sure there were little things but believe me they were little things.  Not even something to crease a forehead for.  Little things that cynical, unwary souls like me would make a big deal out of, that is.

          The rest of us discussed it.  All were  confused.  In all the broken relationships all of us have combined this is the one partnership we look into for hope.  Hope that no matter how we stand up and venture more we know that there will be a happy ending.  Hope that the swooning we want to experience, unbridled emotions we want to pour out, that unspoilt, true and pure thing we aim for is not that hard to reach.  It is possible and real and we know we can have it.

          Anger sets in.  For this does not only affect the two of them.  We both love them dearly and we were there from the beginning.  Some say age is a factor.  Some say in every relationship there needs to be this conflict of sorts to test their devotion to each other.  Others think its just pure and simple cruelty.  We don't want to be directly involved yet cannot help to just let the deception continue.  What is there to do without meddling?

          Why does it happen?  When has the love gone?  If devotion's course is redirected to someone else, why then would one string the other along?  Why not choose and let that be the end of it?  There has to be a concrete reason to risk a working, strong relationship just like that.  Having selfishly thrown it away why have second thoughts on planting a firm foot on the back and just be rid of it altogether?  Whatever happened to pure, unadulterated honesty? (if that still exist but hey, I'm cynical remember?)

          Having seen this same unpleasant situation I knew what was coming.  Its never easy for everyone involved, directly or indirectly.  And it's never fair.  It wasn't when the deception took a long time to surface and the truth was purposely hidden for some sick, idiocy his(not the friend I'm referring to) brain had.  All the more in this case when the other one involved knew of the relationship but still let it go on.

          My friend, who is in the receiving end of this misfortune, is a strong person.  But as I often say, there is so much we can take.  Its the first major problem they both have.  And I just learned that this has taken its toll.  It may not be easy for the other friend too but it was a mistake made foolishly.

          *sigh* Too bad.  There goes my shimmering hope.  With my nature, trust will be a hard thing to embrace from now on.  (like that's something new, hahahah :P~)

          I know that no one can solve this but the two of them.  For whatever decision both makes we are here to support.  I just hope and pray they surpass this.  For their sake.  Not that I would hope it for myself if the same thing happens to me (again). 

          One bitten twice shy.  The next time, I'll be the one biting.  I'll drink to that.

.. new days ~ 04.04.08

          The day grew old and I'm at the highest heights of my euphoria.  It's so damn good to finally have what life promised.  Good health, memories of the past, contentment of the present, goals for the future and the person who undoubtedly loves you. 

 

          I have longed for this moment to visit me again.  Wondered before if it had abandoned me for good.  Yet here it is, wrapping me in its arms, assuring me that things will be right this time.

 

          Being alone is not half bad whether no one is with you or you feel alone 'though with someone.  One tends to adapt and live through it.  But loneliness, when it hits you, is scary.  And it hits you when you least expect it.  It doesn't matter if you have lived alone for years or you got accustomed to feeling alone next to someone.  The feeling is so strong that it opens up your eyes to the silence in your heart.  And it grips your consciousness, squeezing the reality into you.

 

          I've been there.  Both times.  And it felt like life has no purpose.  The feeling of life draining from your soul is so intense that you feel lost and broken.  But as they say "there is hope." There is indeed purpose.  One just needs to wait.

 

          Everyday now I wake up with vigor to start my day.  Knowing that when I get home I will settle in the life I've always wanted, needed, aimed for.  I get this inspiration to do the things that I have shunned during sad times.  I no longer lay wasted and unmotivated to live my day.  And little chores of living don't bother me anymore.

 

          Hope had come and rescued me.  The one love that I know had come back to enclose me.  Nothing else can fill the void in my heart. 

 

          I knew that it would take time and patience.  I thought I couldn't do it.  I've always wanted to be at the end of the tunnel than walk through every inch of darkness.  But waiting and believing really pays off. 

 

          For here it is, my happiness, my life.  And with the things I have gone through, it made me realize that the end of the tunnel is only worth achieving if I've gone through the hardship of crawling towards it.

.. he's coming ~ 03.27.08

          Something exciting is gonna happen soon. One thing that I have always dreamed of.  I will hit the ultimate happiness once I've got it.  And nothing will ever equal this dream.  No one else can give me this happiness.  No one else that tried.
          There had been a fall out between him and me and I thought there will never be a chance to fix it.  Fall out caused by someone else's selfish force.  But dreams do come true.  More so if you feel that dream in your heart and never let go.  And more so if you know that you are meant to be.
          He's coming back.  And this time I would hold on to him no matter what.  And for him I will hold on to dear life.  For the blow of another separation will be the death of me.  But I should have known, as what he has shown me, that he can never hurt me that way I was hurt.
          It wasn't like this before.  He was always there.  I know I have neglected the person who loves me knowing that he'll be there when I need him.  But there are just some things we can bear.  I strayed and thought life will be better with someone else.  How wrong I was.  And he let me see that for myself.
          I've long past regretted what happened.  I take full responsibility of my mistakes.  I was prepared to accept the punishment that was meant for me when God gave me a sign that it is not the end.  Who could have known that there is a rainbow at the end of MY life's downpour?  Brighter than any other.
          God has given me another shot at this.  You can just imagine how happy I am.  Now, preparing for his coming, I am more anxious to make things better.  And never again will I let anything take us a part.  Not the world's insecurity, hate and jealousy.  Not ever again.
          Life has finally taking the right turn.  I've found the strength to lay my troubles gently on the ground and leave them to go forward.  Little by little my future is taking shape.  My goals are bold and in focus.  I can't help but smile.  Only will I leave the darkness of what was can I bask in the radiance of what will be.  I'm glad I set my foot firmly and look down on a chapter of my life that never did me any good.
          It was an embarrassing time and I'm glad it was all behind me.  Let that moment be someone else's who insisted they should have it.  I can just laugh at it now.
          He's coming back and that is all that matters.  I have once vowed to give my whole life for him and this time I'll prove it.  He needs to know that more than anything.  He is the one man I will undoubtedly love. :)

.. missin' d Mark ~ 03.20.08

 A friend died. I learned about it when it was too late.  Didn't even have the chance to be there, to see him, to comfort those who cared until the suffering has ended.  For all the suffering and pain I had gone through in my life, as goes to everyone else, it will never compare to the grief of losing someone like that.  I am a friend and it hurts.
          In a way I know or may not know how his family feels.  We couldn't believe it, the ones left of the whole group "the farouts", it sounded far-fetched.  He couldn't be dead!  We haven't seen him for a long time!  We haven't caught up on the progress of our lives yet!  I needed to read the message again informing me of his demise.  I guess no one really believes that a person close to you would just leave like that at a young age.
          He was a listener, the mature one, the silent one.  We all remember how he was.  Have pictures of him laughing with us. The memories of how the whole group was.  I gathered all my pictures of days gone past.  All the memories came rushing in.  He was a very good friend to us all.  And yet there is so much we don't know.
          I went to his wake with April and Julie.  Not how and where we would have wanted the meeting to be.  I would have preferred to at least speak with him while on the throes of his sickness.  Or on a lighter note, talk to him without any foreboding emptiness.  But it was too late.  Now there will never be a chance at that.  He's to be buried on his birthday.. this Sunday..
          When we arrived I saw the coffin with his graduation photo perched up on top.  Just then I couldn't bear seeing him lying there.  I remember that photo.  How the 'farouts' manipulated our photo shoot so all of us will be there at the same time.  I remember the group photo we convinced the photographer to take.  I have it framed at home.  I remember every detail and the fun we've had.  So many photographs and memories.
          Mark was a good friend.  There were times when I needed to tell someone about what's going on in my life and he happened to be there.  He was there to discuss programming with. Or to argue about programming analysis.  He helped me the very first time my PC crashed.  He was the quiet type whom everyone feels comfortable talking to.  He was a part of our group.  He was there when we went traipsing in Amlan and walked a far distance by the highway to stay at another friend's house.  And now he's gone.
          When I heard of the news I shut off any feeling of grief.  Probably because part of me still can't believe the truth.  Standing there by the door looking at that box that holds him I felt the rush of grief squeezing my heart.  Its just not fair.  How could he be gone?  He has a wife and two boys and he has a very successful career now.  Why does he have to leave?
          I stayed outside while Julie and April went in.  I saw them crying by him and I know that I would cry harder if I went with them.  I sat by Fraulein, Mark's wife, and listened to her narrate the ordeal since the first week of February.  I felt helpless.  I know that I can't tell her enough how sad I am or that I know exactly how she feels.  Because I don't.  I can never fully describe how she feels about losing her partner, her friend, her life.  My eyes can't tell her enough how I could possibly understand so I hugged her.  I wanted her to feel that though I can't relate to her pain I know that its there.
          I've never been good at suffering and depression.  I ran away from it.  I keep away from it.  Looking at Fraulein I can't help but admire her strength.  She stood by Mark in spite of his bullheadedness to see a doctor.  She was still there when he was lying on the hospital bed holding to as much of Mark as she can.  And here she is standing firm for her kids.  I shook my head.  I know I wasn't there and its admirable.  It was also so heart-wrenching to see.
          She told us how much he has changed since.  He has made up for all the mistakes he did and she was happy at how he has grown.  She said that they have already started to rebuild their lives after the storm that went pass it.  Mark has shown her and the kids what he is about and what he is worth.
          Some may ask why now. Why when Mark has already paid his debts to his family's love he had to leave.  Others may say its unfair and that he should been allowed to continue on showing his wife and kids that he is the husband and the father worth fighting for. And I would've agreed if not for Fraulein. She was the one who showed me that she had been happy of what she saw, of the change in Mark, of how he has grown.
          And I saw it.  Saw what it all means and the purpose of it all.  It would've been more of a tragedy if Mark died two years ago.  When all the memories his wife had was of how he destroyed something they have kept so sacred.  He was given a chance to prove himself to her.  And he did so perfectly.
          I realize that life is a fleeting experience and that any time it will all end.  We'll never know when.  Death comes to us all.  It doesn't care if you still need to prove yourself to the world, or show the people who loves you that you love them too, or finish a million-peso company deal, or that you need to hug your children still.  It does not wait for us to make up our minds.  It comes in the least expected times.  We can just all wish that when OUR time comes there's this someone who will stand by us until our last breath and will hold our love dear after we're gone.
          Goodbye Mark.. We will truly miss you..