A sudden change has happened. I was forced to embark on a journey that neither tells me its for the better or for the worse. It is not as easy to conform to what fate has done as this change is not to my liking and wailing my way out of it is just not possible. Well, when it comes to fate there is not much we can do but sit and enjoy the bumpy ride, right?
Yet since the last time I wrote something here there had been lots of changes in my life. Not all of them are heart-wrenching or devastating yet this is the second undesirable happening since then.
There was that unfortunate moment of trying to salvage what was obviously lost. I knew it would still come to the same ending but sometimes we just don't learn, do we? But then again I've expected the same turn of events and I was very much fleeting through the moments half-hearted. *sigh* We do that often when we know what is coming and I can always predict this one, like I always do. There goes the need to understand and be open-minded.. *whew* Down the drain it went!! Its over and done with now so I looked at it like it is, spoiled-stinky milk.
I often wonder why I subject myself to the drama when I know it ends up in the same alleyway. First of all, I remain impartial to everything. One way of protecting myself is closing my will to feel. And second, well, I know I can handle it and there is honor is coming out of it still sane and in one piece. Knowing that I can survive such a hard blow is a good enough assurance I can give myself.
Then this. Tsk. Don't get me wrong. It isn't as bad now as how it looked the first time I was given the news. The shock of ceasing settlement of my comfort zone had a strong impact on my consciousness that I forced myself to be all so negative about it. I know, I know, one must not let fate rattle you this way but I wanted to complain and whine about something, so let me be! :P Still, now I feel like I'm always behind in my duties both at home and the office. I can't keep up with all of the things I need to do coz I'm exhausted all the time. The little sleep that I get isn't much to compensate for the stress of needing to stay awake longer than I would've wanted. And there are still the things that need to be done everyday. Blah, blah, blah..
On a positive note, I enjoy the stress of balancing work and home. I welcome it, in fact, for it tells me that I am strong enough to do it. No matter what comes my way to dissuade or make me lose my belief in myself (and yes, they have come) I remain standing, and firmly at that. All is well that ends well, as my friend Will used to say, and I totally agree. Besides, there is always the other side of the coin so I'll wait until it flips.
As obvious as it was, with all the write-ups about it, one big change has indeed caused my happiness for this summer, and for the rest of my life it seems. Those close to me have been informed about it, and some who weren't have a pretty good idea what it is. In all honesty, this major change has pulled me out of the sinking ship that I have tried hard to keep afloat. It has regained my vigor to continue on and I'm still here just like always. I am grateful of this chance to prove myself. The love of that one person just fills you and so forth, doesn't it? *grin* Dreams do come true. And it doesn't matter if you crawl your way out of the pit covered in mud as long as you continued to aim for that one thing you want and need in your life, without a doubt you'd be happy.
All these that happened, big or small, has made me come to the conclusion that no one can man my ship better than I can. Yes, people may need someone to stand by them and support them but there is GLORY and pleasure in being able to fight for one's self and come out victorious. People come and go, they may stay for good or leave when you least expect it. Let them. Once you've clung, strained, held on and managed to steer the boat out of the rocks in that heck of a storm the rest of mankind couldn't do squat where you want to land the ship next. *widest grin*
26.6.08
9.6.08
..for the love of ~ 06.09.08
Dart has been nagging me about swimming a month ago. He trained in Dgte and wanted to do the same here. I thought its a good idea too so we started the daily regimen of an afternoon swim. It was fortunately the same week when I was on leave (which I was supposed to retract but thought otherwise) and we went to the pool for days on end.
I'm glad my son has interest in sports. He likes swimming best. People always say he will do great in basketball with his height and all but I wanted him to do what he wants to do for himself. If he doesn't want to play basketball it's fine with me. He can choose any sport he likes as long as its not boxing or any extreme contact sport. Hehehehe. For the time being, swimming it is.
I wanted to go in the mornings but waking up early is just so hard these days :D So there we were at 5pm or 6pm (whenever we get our butts out of the house) and bathe in the glory of a deeply chlorinated pool. It felt so great. It has been a long time since I have exerted an effort to swim and I realized I missed that feeling of pushing myself 'til I gasp for breath.
I remember that time when my older sister and I used to borrow a 'bangka' and row ourselves towards the deep. Correction, I row us to the deep. *grin* I learned to handle a shanty boat from backing, turning left or right, stopping and such from that adventure. Once the water is a prestine aqua marine that's when we stop and jump over the boat. From the strong current we often find ourselves along the waters of the next town!!
My parents never knew of this or they'd forbid us to go anywhere on weekends *grin* so it has became our very own place, anywhere in the deep. When the sun starts to set I would steer the boat towards land. My sister just hold the other oar, you know, small limbs and all. :P~ But I have become an expert boatsman during that time. It was one of the experiences I had with my sister that I'll never forget.
So I went swimming with Dart. First time he dove I was so proud of him. He is a very good swimmer and has the perfect form. His strokes are in great shape and with those long limbs of his he will be a great swimmer. He looks good in his trunks too that I made a mental note to keep an eye on him. Tsk. I would need to keep a tight rein on this one. Hahahahaaha. I just hope he would keep this drive for swimming and take it seriously. I would hate to see him turn to some other sport and forget about this. I think when I told him he can do whatever sport he wants I was crossing my fingers and wished he'd go for this sport. Hehehehe.
I'm glad I went with him. I get to exercise my lungs and move myself more. And water is such a divine element that it wraps you in calmness. The pool is always kept warm and although sometimes it rains, the feeling is always exhilirating. Water always gets to me. Looking around the people and students splashing in the pool, some practicing, others just there for a dip, I felt that same feeling of vigor. I felt I was training for a competition in school and the gathering of people aiming for their own goals kept us all connected through the wide expanse of the warm water.
By the time my leave was over we didn't get to go as often anymore. But just the other day we went to the tracks and jogged. This time I woke him up after I got home from work. I figured that if I go to sleep we will never get to do this. Nothing beats jogging in the welcome of the sunrise. Oh, how I missed this too. The pool and the tracks have always been my home.
I pushed myself just to see if I can still do it and I did. But I don't want to snap any tendons and strain any muscles or experience for the first time kissing the ground from exhaustion so I circled five times and walked the rest of the way. That was good enough for me. Dart did his non-stop rounds and I stretched along the tracks while I waited for him. It was a great start and, for sure, we will be back to prance another day.
It feels good knowing we share the same interest. Seeing that my son also likes the same sports I do makes me feel closer and well-connected to him. I am so proud of us and all the times we spend together. This is how I want our relationship to be, sharing the same interest and spending time doing what we both love. I want him to know that I support him every step of the way. I know that he is still finding his own niche in the world and I want him to know that I'll be right beside him.
We plan to go jogging again tomorrow. We'll see about that. School will be starting on Tuesday and I hope they have great teams for the sports he likes. I wonder if I'll give him more nudges than I intended towards soccer too (one of my three most loved sport). *GRIN* Since its also an endurance sport he would fit perfectly in..
Hmmmm, I'll figure that one out later....
I'm glad my son has interest in sports. He likes swimming best. People always say he will do great in basketball with his height and all but I wanted him to do what he wants to do for himself. If he doesn't want to play basketball it's fine with me. He can choose any sport he likes as long as its not boxing or any extreme contact sport. Hehehehe. For the time being, swimming it is.
I wanted to go in the mornings but waking up early is just so hard these days :D So there we were at 5pm or 6pm (whenever we get our butts out of the house) and bathe in the glory of a deeply chlorinated pool. It felt so great. It has been a long time since I have exerted an effort to swim and I realized I missed that feeling of pushing myself 'til I gasp for breath.
I remember that time when my older sister and I used to borrow a 'bangka' and row ourselves towards the deep. Correction, I row us to the deep. *grin* I learned to handle a shanty boat from backing, turning left or right, stopping and such from that adventure. Once the water is a prestine aqua marine that's when we stop and jump over the boat. From the strong current we often find ourselves along the waters of the next town!!
My parents never knew of this or they'd forbid us to go anywhere on weekends *grin* so it has became our very own place, anywhere in the deep. When the sun starts to set I would steer the boat towards land. My sister just hold the other oar, you know, small limbs and all. :P~ But I have become an expert boatsman during that time. It was one of the experiences I had with my sister that I'll never forget.
So I went swimming with Dart. First time he dove I was so proud of him. He is a very good swimmer and has the perfect form. His strokes are in great shape and with those long limbs of his he will be a great swimmer. He looks good in his trunks too that I made a mental note to keep an eye on him. Tsk. I would need to keep a tight rein on this one. Hahahahaaha. I just hope he would keep this drive for swimming and take it seriously. I would hate to see him turn to some other sport and forget about this. I think when I told him he can do whatever sport he wants I was crossing my fingers and wished he'd go for this sport. Hehehehe.
I'm glad I went with him. I get to exercise my lungs and move myself more. And water is such a divine element that it wraps you in calmness. The pool is always kept warm and although sometimes it rains, the feeling is always exhilirating. Water always gets to me. Looking around the people and students splashing in the pool, some practicing, others just there for a dip, I felt that same feeling of vigor. I felt I was training for a competition in school and the gathering of people aiming for their own goals kept us all connected through the wide expanse of the warm water.
By the time my leave was over we didn't get to go as often anymore. But just the other day we went to the tracks and jogged. This time I woke him up after I got home from work. I figured that if I go to sleep we will never get to do this. Nothing beats jogging in the welcome of the sunrise. Oh, how I missed this too. The pool and the tracks have always been my home.
I pushed myself just to see if I can still do it and I did. But I don't want to snap any tendons and strain any muscles or experience for the first time kissing the ground from exhaustion so I circled five times and walked the rest of the way. That was good enough for me. Dart did his non-stop rounds and I stretched along the tracks while I waited for him. It was a great start and, for sure, we will be back to prance another day.
It feels good knowing we share the same interest. Seeing that my son also likes the same sports I do makes me feel closer and well-connected to him. I am so proud of us and all the times we spend together. This is how I want our relationship to be, sharing the same interest and spending time doing what we both love. I want him to know that I support him every step of the way. I know that he is still finding his own niche in the world and I want him to know that I'll be right beside him.
We plan to go jogging again tomorrow. We'll see about that. School will be starting on Tuesday and I hope they have great teams for the sports he likes. I wonder if I'll give him more nudges than I intended towards soccer too (one of my three most loved sport). *GRIN* Since its also an endurance sport he would fit perfectly in..
Hmmmm, I'll figure that one out later....
8.6.08
.. emergence ~ 06.08.08
I breathe in the fresh air of the morning and close my eyes. What a brilliant day it is. I just came from the infamous toil of life and heading towards my comfort. Home has a different meaning to me now.
A month ago, home was a symbol of tranquility. A place where I can lay my head down and relax my mind and body. I always feel free when I'm at home and rush to it after work. But it was also then that I face my ghosts. Whenever I awake I see and hear the monsters of my soul. They don't hurt me as much as before, though, but they are a constant reminder of what I want to leave behind. They feel like a mist of ugliness that hovers above and hugs its smokey essence around me in my waking hours. Subconsciously I brush them off and smile as I see them take a nameless shape. I have conquered my resolve not to let them affect my life. Still I see them around the house nothing but a hazy echo of the past. They became my constant passive companions. Harmless and forgettable.
Its different now. Home is where Dart resides. I get a hug every morning and that alone takes all the heaviness away. The minute he opens the door I would feel my heart leap and so full of love. There is calmness just sitting and listening to music or watching movies knowing that my love is beside me. I feel a different kind of joy in the aroma of food. I find pleasure seeing his happy eyes at the surprises I bring for him. Never have appreciation been fully appreciated and treasured. I have found my confirmation that I, too, can bring happiness that comes from a little box. The little things.
With him all grown up he helps around the house with chores. He is responsible for some things and makes sure that he has done them all when I get home. He doesn't ask for my approval but does his chores because they're his. We became a team and he my greatest companion.
He eats with vigor all that I cook trusting me that he'll love anything I present to him. He doesn't doubt for once if I can carry him along the journey of our lives. He knows now he belongs to me. His history has been laid out in front of him and I trust him to assess his life better too.
Months ago I thought what we have shared is already gone. He has grown and in his need to grow up fast I feared that his affection has also left me. But it hasn't. It has stayed dormant all these years waiting for me. When he first uttered "Mommy, read me a book." with that sweet, lovable voice of his I laughed and felt my heart swell. Learning that we still have this bond noone else has made me cry. I have never been this happy. For he has always been this sweet and I thought I have lost that.
Reaching for me for a hug or calling my name for one ("Mommy, hug hug sa ta please..") is music to my ears. I have missed that song and thought I'll never hear again. I hug him hard and full of love until he agrees to let go. I know he finds comfort inside my arms and I thank him for giving meaning to my life. He has replaced the ghosts and showed me a life much better than what they had offered me a long time ago. He did this all for me.
My son, so grown up yet still the baby that I know, has made my home worth more than just a place to come home to. It's a place we call our own.
A month ago, home was a symbol of tranquility. A place where I can lay my head down and relax my mind and body. I always feel free when I'm at home and rush to it after work. But it was also then that I face my ghosts. Whenever I awake I see and hear the monsters of my soul. They don't hurt me as much as before, though, but they are a constant reminder of what I want to leave behind. They feel like a mist of ugliness that hovers above and hugs its smokey essence around me in my waking hours. Subconsciously I brush them off and smile as I see them take a nameless shape. I have conquered my resolve not to let them affect my life. Still I see them around the house nothing but a hazy echo of the past. They became my constant passive companions. Harmless and forgettable.
Its different now. Home is where Dart resides. I get a hug every morning and that alone takes all the heaviness away. The minute he opens the door I would feel my heart leap and so full of love. There is calmness just sitting and listening to music or watching movies knowing that my love is beside me. I feel a different kind of joy in the aroma of food. I find pleasure seeing his happy eyes at the surprises I bring for him. Never have appreciation been fully appreciated and treasured. I have found my confirmation that I, too, can bring happiness that comes from a little box. The little things.
With him all grown up he helps around the house with chores. He is responsible for some things and makes sure that he has done them all when I get home. He doesn't ask for my approval but does his chores because they're his. We became a team and he my greatest companion.
He eats with vigor all that I cook trusting me that he'll love anything I present to him. He doesn't doubt for once if I can carry him along the journey of our lives. He knows now he belongs to me. His history has been laid out in front of him and I trust him to assess his life better too.
Months ago I thought what we have shared is already gone. He has grown and in his need to grow up fast I feared that his affection has also left me. But it hasn't. It has stayed dormant all these years waiting for me. When he first uttered "Mommy, read me a book." with that sweet, lovable voice of his I laughed and felt my heart swell. Learning that we still have this bond noone else has made me cry. I have never been this happy. For he has always been this sweet and I thought I have lost that.
Reaching for me for a hug or calling my name for one ("Mommy, hug hug sa ta please..") is music to my ears. I have missed that song and thought I'll never hear again. I hug him hard and full of love until he agrees to let go. I know he finds comfort inside my arms and I thank him for giving meaning to my life. He has replaced the ghosts and showed me a life much better than what they had offered me a long time ago. He did this all for me.
My son, so grown up yet still the baby that I know, has made my home worth more than just a place to come home to. It's a place we call our own.
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