A sudden change has happened. I was forced to embark on a journey that neither tells me its for the better or for the worse. It is not as easy to conform to what fate has done as this change is not to my liking and wailing my way out of it is just not possible. Well, when it comes to fate there is not much we can do but sit and enjoy the bumpy ride, right?
Yet since the last time I wrote something here there had been lots of changes in my life. Not all of them are heart-wrenching or devastating yet this is the second undesirable happening since then.
There was that unfortunate moment of trying to salvage what was obviously lost. I knew it would still come to the same ending but sometimes we just don't learn, do we? But then again I've expected the same turn of events and I was very much fleeting through the moments half-hearted. *sigh* We do that often when we know what is coming and I can always predict this one, like I always do. There goes the need to understand and be open-minded.. *whew* Down the drain it went!! Its over and done with now so I looked at it like it is, spoiled-stinky milk.
I often wonder why I subject myself to the drama when I know it ends up in the same alleyway. First of all, I remain impartial to everything. One way of protecting myself is closing my will to feel. And second, well, I know I can handle it and there is honor is coming out of it still sane and in one piece. Knowing that I can survive such a hard blow is a good enough assurance I can give myself.
Then this. Tsk. Don't get me wrong. It isn't as bad now as how it looked the first time I was given the news. The shock of ceasing settlement of my comfort zone had a strong impact on my consciousness that I forced myself to be all so negative about it. I know, I know, one must not let fate rattle you this way but I wanted to complain and whine about something, so let me be! :P Still, now I feel like I'm always behind in my duties both at home and the office. I can't keep up with all of the things I need to do coz I'm exhausted all the time. The little sleep that I get isn't much to compensate for the stress of needing to stay awake longer than I would've wanted. And there are still the things that need to be done everyday. Blah, blah, blah..
On a positive note, I enjoy the stress of balancing work and home. I welcome it, in fact, for it tells me that I am strong enough to do it. No matter what comes my way to dissuade or make me lose my belief in myself (and yes, they have come) I remain standing, and firmly at that. All is well that ends well, as my friend Will used to say, and I totally agree. Besides, there is always the other side of the coin so I'll wait until it flips.
As obvious as it was, with all the write-ups about it, one big change has indeed caused my happiness for this summer, and for the rest of my life it seems. Those close to me have been informed about it, and some who weren't have a pretty good idea what it is. In all honesty, this major change has pulled me out of the sinking ship that I have tried hard to keep afloat. It has regained my vigor to continue on and I'm still here just like always. I am grateful of this chance to prove myself. The love of that one person just fills you and so forth, doesn't it? *grin* Dreams do come true. And it doesn't matter if you crawl your way out of the pit covered in mud as long as you continued to aim for that one thing you want and need in your life, without a doubt you'd be happy.
All these that happened, big or small, has made me come to the conclusion that no one can man my ship better than I can. Yes, people may need someone to stand by them and support them but there is GLORY and pleasure in being able to fight for one's self and come out victorious. People come and go, they may stay for good or leave when you least expect it. Let them. Once you've clung, strained, held on and managed to steer the boat out of the rocks in that heck of a storm the rest of mankind couldn't do squat where you want to land the ship next. *widest grin*
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