.. reason for livin' ~ 02.29.08

       I often wonder if there really is a purpose for us in this world. Mothers would say there is, having seen a child laugh, cry, pout or ask questions, having taught a child the basics of life and seeing how that had guided and enriched him. Being a mother myself I definitely agree. Priests and pastors and other religious leaders would too, having seen so much suffering, determined to infuse in all of us that this is the purpose God made us. Doctors, scientists, artists and other renowned intellectuals would assent as well, having shown the beauty of what humanity can do for itself in the guise of art, innovation and understanding the meaning of life.
       But for a normal individual, one who goes from day to day working, commuting, preparing a meal for one and laying down to rest for the same cycle tomorrow, often would wonder if there really is a purpose for all that.
       Is there a reason for one to go through the same routine? Was there a hint of this life the very minute one is born? Is there a great map of fate with blocked exits to success, full of canceled routes to ones purpose, and the highway of life on detour towards a never endless asphalt of nowhere? Are we helpless from choosing the minute we pop out into the world for there was already a list created who should find purpose in life and who should not?
       So many questions that are answered a million different ways depending on who you ask. We make our own destiny, we have choices in life, we are the captain of our own ship, we all have a purpose in life its just a matter of perception as to what, so on and so forth. Answers that both enlighten or confuse you even more. Answers that don't really zero in on what questions you have.
       Still, day after day, you go through life, through the same routine, for what is there left to do but to go on. If one stops living because one choose to it means one has given up asking. Meaning the answer is lost forever. If when in death we still have a sense of awareness while floating on the ocean of darkness and silence, we would definitely feel that non-stop nagging and jabbing question. If, indeed, death goes on forever, then the nuisance will follow us until then. Having lived a wretched life without purpose it would be a pity to lead an eternal life of uncertainty and unrest.
       I say your reason for living will come. As you go through life, you are molded and prepped for a certain purpose through guidance from people who cares, knowledge you've learned in the early years and your own personal experiences. Who knows that the answer to the question of life had stared you squarely at the face years, months or days ago but you didn't know it. You were too busy waiting and asking, honed in only to your questions, analyzing what you perceived as the answer, and agreeing with your self that it is not the right one.
       The answer is not a one chance in a lifetime thing. All human interaction, environmental awareness, and passion for life gives you so many chances to find it. You cannot know what the answer would be for it will be given to you. Be more vigilant and reach within your heart and soul and not just with your mind then you will realize how easy it would be. You can either sashay through life waiting for the answer or drive purposely to find it.

.. relieved .. ~ 02.26.08

       Yesterday was a break from the usual. I needed that for a long time. I longed for it in fact. But when it was about to go down I didn't know what to do, what to feel.
       Standing there all I wanted was to feel it again. That need for comfort. I've wanted to drown myself to the embrace, hold on for as long as it can last and just get lost with it. And it didn't disappoint me. That certain feeling, surrounded by that warmth, has always calmed me. Although after the calm all ugliness came rushing in. I was worried the night with end up with another showdown.
       I ignored it. There had been times when I was only tuned in to the hurt. Lots of times. I just wanted to settle to the good things that I remembered. I stopped myself from bursting and lashing out my pain. In all honesty, I want to forget the hurt.
        It was okay. Both had feelings of regret and uncertainty that it felt odd. I can say that it was a bit weird afterwards. All that restrained feelings hanging in the air like smog. Can't ignore it. Can't breathe. We both didn't know what to do.
       He acted nonchalant, high-pitched laugh and a demeanor much like a nervous "teenage girl". I was full of nerves, can't stay in one place for more than 30 seconds. I didn't even know what to cook. In a silent movie it would be hilarious. But there was no humor there. Just us being in one place at the same time loving and hating it all at once.
       He tried to put both of us at ease by saying he missed my cooking. I didn't even know what to respond to that. Couldn't. We talked but not as serious. Just being there was enough. The simple things.
       I don't need more. I have given up a long time ago. I'm tired of the cycle. I vowed to myself that more of it is not what I need. I just want no pain, no hatred, no anger. And maybe a little explanation if its offered. I want to settle into my own warmth, my own consolation, my own comfort without the need for someone else's. Before I do, I need to make peace with the ugliness of what was. I may always crave confrontations but I want things to be ok after.
       He stayed. And it felt good to have that longed peace. I apologized for snapping, somehow sometimes I can't help it, but I stopped myself, not wanting to ruin it.
       He stayed. And the nervous laughter continued. He acted like everything's fine. I asked myself if I am otherwise and realized I feel the same. There is still that strained air of silence at times yet it was okay. Bearable. If you ignore it you can think of something to say to fill in the gap. Its normal for us. The drama of our lives. No one should be so sure. In our case, not one of us should be sure.
       There has been so much we have shared. The bad things I'll leave to myself to forget. No sense dwelling on that. And the good ones. A lot of things in common that I'd hate to lose. The things that he does that I'm proud of and have always been interested in. How we talk and discuss about anything, movies, music, weird news, opinions, etc., and how we both agree on a lot of things. It's like a best friend I've never had so to speak. But sharing that doesn't have to be romantic. No feelings, no emotions. It doesn't have to be anything more that what it is. I'd like that.
       We are complicated. We had agreed on that a long time ago. Somehow we do the song and dance of what we are because its what we do. He once said that we go through our fights and make-ups that way because its how we do it. I agree. Yet there is so much one can bear. And who knows a break from it would be better.
       I want to be seen as that friend. Nothing more.
       After all that the coffee tasted so good. Nothing can beat coffee and talking early in the morning. It worked out well. There is nothing more to it. It is better if there isn't.
       Amazingly, I feel happy. Now there is no more hatred. There is no more anger. I feel relieved that all of it is behind me. I want my life to be about me for now. Then I can do what I've always wanted. To step up another rung in the ladder, my ladder, of life and be the ME that I know. :)

.. the wary & the demented.. ~ 02.24.08

I've been getting so restless these past couple of weeks. Mental and psychological restlessness as I term it.. Maybe its something from the office, or at home, I'm not sure but its always either of the two. Could be both.

Woke up today just like any other day but yet there is this something I cant seem to get my mind to that has been bothering me. Restless. Tired. Bored. I feel that there is something I need to do, something important. But what?!

I remember I have these confused restless state many times before and I always let out a delightful "Ahh!" whenever I realize what it is. I guess I have to wait till then. In the meantime, I continue to be restless and agitated. Damn it!

I'm actually at the office right now. Having finished off almost all Sudoku book volumes (the experience going to routine now), hoarded all the office newspapers for the crossword, and finished half a dozen books (one novel per day for this week), I am running out of things to do (the rest of my books were read prior to the half a dozen ones and are too soon to read again)!! You can call it the best working environment but believe me, when there is nothing much to do in almost two months it can drive you crazy. I am starting to consider doing cartwheels down the aisles or throwing crumpled Chips Delight wrappers at other people. More of this boredom and security will be hauling me off the premises. Tsk.

Amazing how boredom gets out the creative and literary artist in you. I have probably doodle all possible shapes, hanged a hundred and fifty men, twisted words, became a master of anagrams, and played word factory until I doze off, challenged everyone to beat me at bingo chess and still I cant seem to settle down. If I have my way I'd be shooting gem balls for the Incas or running around diners with Flo and get the highest score ever. Good thing its not up to me.

When I get home I watch movies voraciously. Still I read books or play Sudoku or answer crosswords AT THE SAME TIME!! Something is definitely wrong. *Grin* I get bored while trying to ease my boredom that I have to do something else while I'm doing something!! Sometimes I go to the mall just to walk around or window shop. But the fact that I do not go out without bringing money, I end up spending a thousand worth of something(s)! There are times that I vow to just bring enough for taxi or food. But then I unlock the door after I lock it to get more money (in case I might find something(s)!). It's utterly frustrating. *grin* That's why I stay at home as much as possible but then I do the same multitasking with the movies and puzzle books again.

I feel like a juggernaut, can't quite sit still. And its not just that. Sometimes when I cook food (while the DVD player is running) I get this feeling that I need to polish the floor (which has just been polish yesterday by the way) or wash the curtains again (which I washed yesterday too after I polished the floor) or maybe rearrange the furniture (which I have done so many times in my mind and have agreed with myself that the furniture is best where it already is) or that I need to read Jonathan Kellerman's Conspiracy Theory again since the last time I've read it was two months ago. Note to self: Need to buy more books than what "more" normally is.

*sigh* It is boring, frustratingly so. Some might say that I have my days full with all those things that I do but I don't agree. There were times that I just like to idle at home and laze around doing nothing and the only mental activity is to plan what to eat for lunch but that has been "forever" ago. Time long past that I can only recall the feeling (of doing nothing, hahah..).

There's only Joe and I today since RJ's on leave. And Joe is sleeping *grin* feet up (joke). I guess I should follow his example. I used to sleep before everyone else but I bought another bag of Chips Delight and its right in front of me next to my open book.

Joe is sleeping soundly and will wake up in an hour to take his lunch. I'm envious. *grin* But I shouldn't be. I just borrowed Jake's blanket for the same purpose. Bwahahahah.

If only I can read my book while I sleep....