.. fate's game ~ 04.26.08

Fate. It plays a joke on you. Just like life does. And like life it pins you into a corner and demands you make a decision without giving you time to think things through. At times the jokes aren't necessary and you frown at them both. Little did you know that no matter what life and fate throws at you, no matter how much you disagree, these are things that would shape your world.

I have always been in the hands of fate. I once tried to defy it and I paid with my resolve. So I learned to wait for fate to hand me my destination and I make choices then. I got pretty good at it that it made me stronger and more willful and less afraid of what may be.

Fate threw a fast one at me recently. A meeting of souls. And I felt that familiar crossroad of indecision. Sometimes I wonder what those crucial moments of meeting means. When someone found you seconds before you step inside the vehicle that will take you away do you give meaning to it or shrug it off as pure luck on his part? Or seeing someone you thought you'd never see again, out of the experiences you've had, do you see hope? When you caught a glimpse of someone at the same time you were thinking of him, does that mean anything or is it just a fluke on the natural order of things that made you cross paths?

All of us have experienced a turning point that changed the course of our lives. That very moment when you have to say yes or no, go left or right, walk or run. It is when you are standing on the very spot where you have to decided on something that will make you regret or be grateful. What do we do? How would we know? How can we tell?
The day fate played with me I was to embark on a journey of change. There came the person I least expected to see. I had surpassed so many things but it was one of the rare times my mind turned off and I was full of nerves.

I immediately felt the sadness. Everything came rushing back. But I put up a front of nonchalance and kept my cool. In my mind I was frantically searching for a sign that tells me this will happen now. I have thought of this meeting and rehearsed what I would say but it was too soon. I raised an angry fist at fate for putting me in this situation. No way is this a coincidence. I kicked myself for not leaving sooner. I remembered I wasn't in such a hurry to leave and spent so much time gathering my things. I thought, since I have so much time, I can spare a couple of hours and relax before I leave. What an ambush.

Then he asked if I can stay awhile. I didn't know what to do! If I'd say yes it would throw all the months of coping and self reassurances down the drain. Seeing him brought all the remorse back and I know I have to nurse my soul back to health again. If I say no it would be ignoring that desire to deal with my ghosts and play deaf to the faint calling of hope. Hope that someday there will be no need for fronts or pretending not to care and no more occasional twinge of pain at the sight of him. Sooner or later I would have to face this ghost and free myself of it. What better time would I have.

So I said yes. I do not know if this would bring me back to the circle of events that I ran away from. But I made a decision and I know that I can be rational about it. There are questions that need answers and if that results to better understand then there will be no regrets. Things have changed. I had vowed to a life with someone who deserved my love and affection from the start. Seeing him doesn't mean he'll be back in my life.

I was grateful that fate nudge me to this moment. This is a time to prove how I have grown and show myself I am strong. I made a decision on the spot based on a promise I made to myself before that. Accepting what cannot be and releasing myself from the treacherous bind that was wound around me. Lies can be told and assurances made but I will only believe when all supposed truth are proven. I had accepted those lies when I used to believe in him. But that has now gone.

For now things are good. I still went on my journey and when I came back he was still there. Talk is overrated yet its necessary to air both sides. The same confessions and assurances are made. Moments are spent catching up with movies we haven't seen and food we've missed eating together. Things are running smoothly and in time with how things used to progress on previous reconciliations. In a matter of days we would know if the mood will change just like it used to. That's when we'll see the underlying conflict.

Yet we only have a couple more days before I continue on the course of my life that I painstakingly planned. A life I couldn't wait to have. A life he is not a part of. I do not know what will happen after that and if he can somehow be a part of it. In my mind I need to start that life on my own. If this time he had been truthful then he deserved to be let in but only when all the pain has gone and no more of the same causes. He has promised that.

Fate probably is laughing so hard now. One thing I learned so far, the truth will come out. It always does.

.. my new crown ~ 04.23.08

My plan to go home, thwarted by someone else's schedule to take a vacation, got pushed through days after my supposed day to leave. It was fine. There really weren't anything important in line for my time. And, in a way, it turned out great.

I received a message from my baby asking me to hurry home coz he misses me. No feeling can ever describe it, knowing that someone is waiting for you and couldn't wait to see you. I was feeling more excitement than usual to be home. If only I can just close my eyes and be there when I open them. *sigh*

When I got home I spent time with mah babe. Not the same time I spend with him anymore though, coz things are different now, with him all grown up and all, but still it was time well spent. I loved the time he was with me even when we were just doing errands together. I bought him a few things, things that he had been asking for, and I glow inside knowing that he looked good with them on. We had our pictures taken, a project I've been meaning to do but just didn't have time with, and it turned out well. He is indeed all grown up and has turned into such a handsome young man. A very tall, handsome, young matinee idol. The glowing inside me just didn't stop *grin*. Motherly pride, heheheeh. *sigh*

Every time I'm in Dumaguete there is no telling what I will be doing. I'd often expect to just stay home and watch movies with the kids but sometimes friends come to call and I'd spend time with them too.

This time I did something really unexpected. With Julie, I changed something about me that I only dared to change once in my whole lifetime. It was actually by accident and I was surprised at myself for allowing it to happen. But then, I was in this state of mind that I should be changing my life. In the last minute, I decided to do it. :D (i bought a new wig, hahahahaha)

I have done this same thing before (i love talking in riddles, this way I'll know if people do get what I'm talking about or not). Still the same scary feeling but, hey, it was for free and he said he wanted to do it for me and loved seeing me so jazzed up about it. But I didn't do it again for a long time. After two years of that I missed the old me so it never entered my mind again let alone ponder over it. Julie was just waiting for my confirmation and I was in that awkward moment when everyone was looking at me waiting to say "Aye" or "Nay". I soooo hate being ambushed into making a decision, hehehhehe.

I was glad I did say yes. It came out better than I feared. I mean, physical change is hard for me coz I'm happy and contented of how I look (i've been given the gift of super confidence as friends and family may know). Let's just say I tend to keep myself as how I was born and didn't believe that a new me would improve my life, love, work or whatever. I don't even wear makeup for pete's sake!! I don't even know what retouch is until a friend said she'll be off to do that. Even my grandma said I should put some on sometimes. Hahahaha. And besides, I fear that my face might react to makeup, or any skin embellishments for that matter, and the outcome would be hideous (allergies and what not). Thanks but no thanks.

So there I was looking at myself and liking it more. It was something new. Talk about vanity. :D But is one vain when one wasn't anywhere near that deadly sin for more than 30 years? I think not. Its just the knowing that whatever I do I still feel good about myself (and look good mind you, ahihihiihi) and that is what matters. Its a step towards waking up and realizing you are in a different world and you still conquer the odds.

I just don't know how long I can keep this up. Women suffer the most in cases like these, don't they? Or maybe some women are more enthusiastic about it than others. Its the maintenance that's killing me!! And all these do's and don't's that seem to balance themselves out, if you think about it, but still you need to do it. No wonder I don't do it often. This thing on top of me is just soooo like makeup and other women's rituals, tedious and time consuming. I just laugh at myself for being such a woman. Hahahahah.

I'm glad that its not permanent and eventually I'll be the old me again. I'll be counting the days till I get it back and will embrace its return for years and years. :D No more damn rituals!! Maybe in the years after that will I consider doing it again.

For now I'll savor it. Although there's something about the old me that I want to go back to now (now na!). A touch of originality and simpleness. If you call unruly ordered chaos simple! Hahahaha.

.. blah blahs 'n all ~ 04.11.08

I seem to be writing a lot lately and I'm enjoying myself. I didn't care before, thought I never would if my blog is updated or not. But here I am beginning to get headaches if I don't write what's in my head. Thing is, I have to update all my blogs and at the other sites the dates don't match sometimes and not usually in order. Hahahaha.

One major reason prolly is there's not much work AT work (we're well loved) and I have lots of idle time (after I take my daily nap *grin*) that I start typing away. Another is the feeling of contentment I have with my life and myself and nothing could go wrong. Still another is how I see to it that I get to steer my life to its right course.

I have so many things in my mind that I want to write about. Too many in fact that I don't know what to write first. Should I start with the heartaches and/or disappointments and continue on until the current mood I'm in. Or should I write about how I surpass life's challenges and just let everything flow through me. At times I just stare at the blank screen and "Eureka!!" I get what my heart and mind feels would be best. And I am yet to write that thing for someone that I can't seem to start. In the end I reach out within me and ask myself what I feel strongly about at the moment. Its best to tell a story when you have gathered all your thoughts and know that it's time to put it into writing.

I recently posted the story I wanted to tell. That problem has been gnawing at me for days. It may not be enough for others to just tell it. For me, for now, it is. Sometimes we just need to let others reflect on their lives first before we impose. If I were in that situation, which I was long ago, I had asked my friends to just stand by me. I needed them to be there when I fall but I want to deal with my life myself first. And they did. And for that I am thankful.

I plan to cook my favorite dish before the end of next week. I want to put it off 'till I can't take it anymore *grin*. Ohhh, I'm so excited! It feels so good to indulge in one's wants sometimes. (Shhh, I've got chocolates too if you care to ask *yey!*)

In less than two weeks I'll be home again. I can't wait. So many things to do. Plans that I have been prolonging are currently in motion. My life's goals are finally going to happen. I'll be seeing my family, my friends and Dart again. Hope I can squeeze in all things I want to do. Go out on adventures with Laarni: CHECK!. Visit the falls Julie was raring about: CHECK!. Spend time with Jade, Sean and, of course, Dartoy: CHECK!. Go see Kel: Check!. And more.

*sigh* Life is good to me and I can't ask for more. I have savings for rainy days and its accumulating wonderfully. I have peace in my heart and its showing me the beauty of mornings again. Love in my life and I have lots of love to give. I have the people who matters and bonds so strong. I have insights and wisdom and growth. Who else could have given it to me but Him?

Let me space out to the land of tra lala for now... I'm loving my life so much I have to stop typing. *very wide grin*

.. the unwritten ~ 04.13.08

          Countless times I take a moment for myself, sit down in calmness next to a blank paper and a pen.  I search through my mind where I should start and how I should begin.  I wanted to write something for him.

          Trying to get a feel of him and look for his meaning in my life I dig deep into my memories and relive my happiness.  Minutes would pass and then hours.  Still, and always, just a dot on paper which means that at one point I've found the right words but stopped to search for better ones.  After some hours I stop trying and hope to start again another day.  But not after I realize why the first try had been futile.  I just CAN'T do it for reasons of my own.

          For days I try.  Do the same ritual of assessing my thoughts grasping for inspiration.  Crease my forehead and concentrate harder.  Recollect those times when he showed me how much he cared and loved me.  Unfortunately, I can only get hold of nothing.

          My writing is general and honest and unbiased.  It involves everything from how it made me feel and how it affected me.  For someone whom I devoted myself to he can't seem to make the words fly out of my mind and onto paper.

          This has bothered me for months.  I was always quick to hold on to a thought and write unendingly until all about it has been written.  I wake up after a good night's sleep and get an idea that results into quite a good read.  When I was growing up there were times when I get depressed or sad or lonely and I make really good poems expressing what I felt.  In secondary school, when my life was full of confidence, contentment and teenage happiness, I made a poem book and wrote all about it.  A project that a friend of mine, who shared my passion, and I had made. 

          It was always easy for me and required no hard concentration, no rituals, no meditations.  All I need is a couple of minutes to get into the groove and then I'll be off writing my thoughts away.  And it is still easy for me now.  I wrote other stuff, too, while we were together.  Why then can't I write about him?

          I put all memories of him, years of memories, in a big circle and looked at each and every feelings and emotions.  Separated the good and the bad.  Weighed the honesty and the deceptions.  Swept in one corner the disappointments and disregards, in the other corner the thoughtfulness and unselfishness.  I touched on the hurt-aches and pains, opened my heart to the love and care.  Looked at the gentleness and emotional cruelty from one to the other.

          There were definitely more of good than bad.  Lots of happiness than sad.  The love and care cannot be forgotten and the happy moments will always be there just like any other memory.  He made me let go of my emotional restraints.  He changed me from an indifferent and protective (of myself) person to a caring and open soul.  I became forgiving and trusting.  I began to feel.

          But the deception and hurt weighed three times as much.  For he had been forgiven again and again.  He had vowed that will be the last, that the deception is over but still its the same.  I had given my trust and gave him the benefit of the doubt.  When he came back, numerous times, I embraced him hoping he realized his mistakes.  I didn't judge him from his past but nudge him to be better for his future.  He taught me to trust and then he exploited it.  He needs, and lies to suit his needs, and doubts if those needs aren't met.  He blames others for what he has become and self-righteously ignores what he has done.  Paranoia is his thing because he has started what he feared.  And the worse thing is.. he comes back. And even worse.. I take him back.

          I have the need to thank him for he has changed me.  I didn't stop trusting.  I am still free.  I've learned that its wrong to waste a perfectly good feeling repeatedly when you can have it and make it grow some other time and with someone else.  I knew, and he admitted it too, that I wasn't the problem but he is.  I could not agree more.  He had made quite a big difference, good and bad, and for that I am wiser.  I came out of the evil cycle and learned that it will never end until I turn to a different path. 

          I will never find an inspiration from him.  He will not be in my songs or poetry but he'll always be the one who made me step out of my shell.  Still I will remember the disappointments to remind me of what will not change and what he will always be until he realizes what he has done wrong.  He is but a memory now.  He is a time in my life that I have lived and have grown out of.

        

*** I am sorry.  This is how I feel.  I hope this explains everything that went on in my head and the weight on my shoulders during the last months.  And I hope this time you hear what I have been trying to say.

.. misfortune ~ 04.11.08

          I disagree about a lot of things.  Some things I condone and somethings I don't let pass.  When asked, I give my views about situations that may not be neutral but definitely drives a peg home to the truth.  I know that advises are not meant to be followed but are given to open options when the mind is in a one-track course.

          I came across a problem lately.  Two close friends that previously have a sturdy relationship is now facing the biggest trial of their lives.  When everyone learned about it shock was the first reaction to visit our faces and emotions.  Disbelief and denial that this strong couple is going through the same motions as other people's wretched relationships.

          How could that be?  There have been no conflict between them all throughout their lifetime.  Sure there were little things but believe me they were little things.  Not even something to crease a forehead for.  Little things that cynical, unwary souls like me would make a big deal out of, that is.

          The rest of us discussed it.  All were  confused.  In all the broken relationships all of us have combined this is the one partnership we look into for hope.  Hope that no matter how we stand up and venture more we know that there will be a happy ending.  Hope that the swooning we want to experience, unbridled emotions we want to pour out, that unspoilt, true and pure thing we aim for is not that hard to reach.  It is possible and real and we know we can have it.

          Anger sets in.  For this does not only affect the two of them.  We both love them dearly and we were there from the beginning.  Some say age is a factor.  Some say in every relationship there needs to be this conflict of sorts to test their devotion to each other.  Others think its just pure and simple cruelty.  We don't want to be directly involved yet cannot help to just let the deception continue.  What is there to do without meddling?

          Why does it happen?  When has the love gone?  If devotion's course is redirected to someone else, why then would one string the other along?  Why not choose and let that be the end of it?  There has to be a concrete reason to risk a working, strong relationship just like that.  Having selfishly thrown it away why have second thoughts on planting a firm foot on the back and just be rid of it altogether?  Whatever happened to pure, unadulterated honesty? (if that still exist but hey, I'm cynical remember?)

          Having seen this same unpleasant situation I knew what was coming.  Its never easy for everyone involved, directly or indirectly.  And it's never fair.  It wasn't when the deception took a long time to surface and the truth was purposely hidden for some sick, idiocy his(not the friend I'm referring to) brain had.  All the more in this case when the other one involved knew of the relationship but still let it go on.

          My friend, who is in the receiving end of this misfortune, is a strong person.  But as I often say, there is so much we can take.  Its the first major problem they both have.  And I just learned that this has taken its toll.  It may not be easy for the other friend too but it was a mistake made foolishly.

          *sigh* Too bad.  There goes my shimmering hope.  With my nature, trust will be a hard thing to embrace from now on.  (like that's something new, hahahah :P~)

          I know that no one can solve this but the two of them.  For whatever decision both makes we are here to support.  I just hope and pray they surpass this.  For their sake.  Not that I would hope it for myself if the same thing happens to me (again). 

          One bitten twice shy.  The next time, I'll be the one biting.  I'll drink to that.

.. new days ~ 04.04.08

          The day grew old and I'm at the highest heights of my euphoria.  It's so damn good to finally have what life promised.  Good health, memories of the past, contentment of the present, goals for the future and the person who undoubtedly loves you. 

 

          I have longed for this moment to visit me again.  Wondered before if it had abandoned me for good.  Yet here it is, wrapping me in its arms, assuring me that things will be right this time.

 

          Being alone is not half bad whether no one is with you or you feel alone 'though with someone.  One tends to adapt and live through it.  But loneliness, when it hits you, is scary.  And it hits you when you least expect it.  It doesn't matter if you have lived alone for years or you got accustomed to feeling alone next to someone.  The feeling is so strong that it opens up your eyes to the silence in your heart.  And it grips your consciousness, squeezing the reality into you.

 

          I've been there.  Both times.  And it felt like life has no purpose.  The feeling of life draining from your soul is so intense that you feel lost and broken.  But as they say "there is hope." There is indeed purpose.  One just needs to wait.

 

          Everyday now I wake up with vigor to start my day.  Knowing that when I get home I will settle in the life I've always wanted, needed, aimed for.  I get this inspiration to do the things that I have shunned during sad times.  I no longer lay wasted and unmotivated to live my day.  And little chores of living don't bother me anymore.

 

          Hope had come and rescued me.  The one love that I know had come back to enclose me.  Nothing else can fill the void in my heart. 

 

          I knew that it would take time and patience.  I thought I couldn't do it.  I've always wanted to be at the end of the tunnel than walk through every inch of darkness.  But waiting and believing really pays off. 

 

          For here it is, my happiness, my life.  And with the things I have gone through, it made me realize that the end of the tunnel is only worth achieving if I've gone through the hardship of crawling towards it.