Fate. It plays a joke on you. Just like life does. And like life it pins you into a corner and demands you make a decision without giving you time to think things through. At times the jokes aren't necessary and you frown at them both. Little did you know that no matter what life and fate throws at you, no matter how much you disagree, these are things that would shape your world.
I have always been in the hands of fate. I once tried to defy it and I paid with my resolve. So I learned to wait for fate to hand me my destination and I make choices then. I got pretty good at it that it made me stronger and more willful and less afraid of what may be.
Fate threw a fast one at me recently. A meeting of souls. And I felt that familiar crossroad of indecision. Sometimes I wonder what those crucial moments of meeting means. When someone found you seconds before you step inside the vehicle that will take you away do you give meaning to it or shrug it off as pure luck on his part? Or seeing someone you thought you'd never see again, out of the experiences you've had, do you see hope? When you caught a glimpse of someone at the same time you were thinking of him, does that mean anything or is it just a fluke on the natural order of things that made you cross paths?
All of us have experienced a turning point that changed the course of our lives. That very moment when you have to say yes or no, go left or right, walk or run. It is when you are standing on the very spot where you have to decided on something that will make you regret or be grateful. What do we do? How would we know? How can we tell?
The day fate played with me I was to embark on a journey of change. There came the person I least expected to see. I had surpassed so many things but it was one of the rare times my mind turned off and I was full of nerves.
I immediately felt the sadness. Everything came rushing back. But I put up a front of nonchalance and kept my cool. In my mind I was frantically searching for a sign that tells me this will happen now. I have thought of this meeting and rehearsed what I would say but it was too soon. I raised an angry fist at fate for putting me in this situation. No way is this a coincidence. I kicked myself for not leaving sooner. I remembered I wasn't in such a hurry to leave and spent so much time gathering my things. I thought, since I have so much time, I can spare a couple of hours and relax before I leave. What an ambush.
Then he asked if I can stay awhile. I didn't know what to do! If I'd say yes it would throw all the months of coping and self reassurances down the drain. Seeing him brought all the remorse back and I know I have to nurse my soul back to health again. If I say no it would be ignoring that desire to deal with my ghosts and play deaf to the faint calling of hope. Hope that someday there will be no need for fronts or pretending not to care and no more occasional twinge of pain at the sight of him. Sooner or later I would have to face this ghost and free myself of it. What better time would I have.
So I said yes. I do not know if this would bring me back to the circle of events that I ran away from. But I made a decision and I know that I can be rational about it. There are questions that need answers and if that results to better understand then there will be no regrets. Things have changed. I had vowed to a life with someone who deserved my love and affection from the start. Seeing him doesn't mean he'll be back in my life.
I was grateful that fate nudge me to this moment. This is a time to prove how I have grown and show myself I am strong. I made a decision on the spot based on a promise I made to myself before that. Accepting what cannot be and releasing myself from the treacherous bind that was wound around me. Lies can be told and assurances made but I will only believe when all supposed truth are proven. I had accepted those lies when I used to believe in him. But that has now gone.
For now things are good. I still went on my journey and when I came back he was still there. Talk is overrated yet its necessary to air both sides. The same confessions and assurances are made. Moments are spent catching up with movies we haven't seen and food we've missed eating together. Things are running smoothly and in time with how things used to progress on previous reconciliations. In a matter of days we would know if the mood will change just like it used to. That's when we'll see the underlying conflict.
Yet we only have a couple more days before I continue on the course of my life that I painstakingly planned. A life I couldn't wait to have. A life he is not a part of. I do not know what will happen after that and if he can somehow be a part of it. In my mind I need to start that life on my own. If this time he had been truthful then he deserved to be let in but only when all the pain has gone and no more of the same causes. He has promised that.
Fate probably is laughing so hard now. One thing I learned so far, the truth will come out. It always does.
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