.. muted nothingness - 10.29.08

    I haven’t written my personal thoughts for quite some time now and I woke up one day finding how I’ve missed it.  I’m still writing and getting paid but the topics I am paid to write are way too far from personal issues.  At least not at first.  I don’t know if my editor had noticed but my articles are becoming personal.  Sometimes, running out of things to say, I use my personal experiences so I can beat the deadline.  I know it is time I write something for me.

    Sitting here with hand poised over the keyboard I bumped hard into a blank wall.  My need to say something overcomes the existence of what I was to say.  I feel like standing on the podium about to say my piece and when I opened my mouth to hit the audience with my views all I managed was a loud “Bleeeeeettt!!”  Damn! Now what?!  I can’t just go chew some grass and blink dumbly.
    I turned the music louder (I write better when it’s noisy).  Changed the music to something louder (Let’s see if that wall doesn’t tremble with rock music).  Still nothing.  Hmmm.  How do you hit back a blank wall?  What if it hits back?  I frantically shred that thought.  I don’t want to know.
    Arrrggh!! Three paragraphs of nothing is an embarrassment!  So many has happened since I spilled out my guts but I don’t even know where to start!  Damnation to eternity and beyond!  This is giving me a headache.  I look ridiculous with my forefinger on the side of my head.  Okay, okay I have the two of them on both sides for good measure.  I feel like the thinker and I’m not even naked!  Oh, right.  He didn’t have the same ridiculous pose I have.  *blink* *blink*
    How do you wrestle with nothingness when you don’t even see where to hit it?  How do you conquer the silence of the mind when it has zipped up and managed to throw the key to a bottomless pit of more nothingness?  You can’t even politely ask it to step aside coz you can’t reason with it.  I’d like to hit some blank wall butt but its cemented real good I know I won’t even scratch the surface.  Whoever made this stupid wall learned it from my dad.  (wab you dadeh!!)
    It has been four hours and still I have nothing.  Maybe I’ll just work on my articles.  Maybe I’ll just go and lie down for a while.  Maybe the next time I try my hand at writing something here I’ll have more to say.  *sigh*
    Maybe I’ll go eat some chocolate cake…

.. rain falls ~ 10.10.08

            There are people in this world who hate it when it rains.  The dampness of the world would echo the gloom in themselves and pulls them lower into the pit.  Waking up with a gray perspective just don't do much to someone's disposition and there's a certain annoying quality to the pitter-patter of rain.  The taunting random chant surrounding the world makes it worse than it already is.  For each moment the rain reflects the turmoil raging inside.

             But I love the rain.  I only don't when it ruins my laundry but that's beside the point.  I used to hurry home every time it rains, beside the fact that I'll be drench if I don't, so I will be in the comfort of my home.  And it feels so nice to stay in bed while the rain wash the world of its filth so to speak.

             Its been raining so much lately.  And without warning you find yourself stuck in a place you'd rather not be.  There's always no way out unless you want to brave the heavy rain fall which causes more complications than you can handle for the day.  You just bought your new pair of shoes.  You are wearing a silk blouse.  You love those pair of jeans and would hate it get ruined.  So you stay put giving yourself all the excuses you can think of for staying.  Most often than not you're good for a while but as the rain continues on you become antsy and afraid.  Who knows how long until it stops?

             Funny.  Life does teach us the lessons we need to learn or somehow forgot.  If there are metaphors in a statement there is rain to make us understand.  Reminding us of what we don't want or need in our lives.  Telling us to change course or brave through it so we don't get stuck.  It teaches us a valuable lesson to make a decision the moment it falls.  The rain is a hard example of what life can throw at us at any moment.  Don't hate it.

             Once upon a time I got so drenched I felt like drowning.  After I braved through my rain I congratulated myself for making the best decision.  I can always buy a new pair of shoes.  A small price to pay than staying in a place where God-knows-what lurks.  I did not realize it then that I just pulled myself out of harm's way.  The kind that would dim the brightness I have in me.  I found the courage to leave after reminding myself that I have a home where I can feel safe no matter how hard the rain falls. 

             I went back to that place after the rain stopped.  Not just once.  In fact, more than twice.  I tried to make sense of the awful feeling I had when I was there.  Trying to understand what made it different from the other places I've been to.  Wanting to show myself that it wasn't that bad.  Still, it only looks normal and tame when the sun is out.  Every time it rains there goes the same scary feeling again.  There are just places in this world that you can never feel safe.  It is so sad.  That place has its potentials.

             Now I watch the rain contented of staying away.  The world does not run of places I can be and stay for good.  I don't call it luck but good judgment.  And I don't hate it.  The rain taught me not to be afraid.  It said that I made a good job taking good care of myself.  I have indeed.

.. days of old ~ 10.09.2008

            I must admit, pictures bring back days of old.  I was recently looking at some old pictures yellowed with age and a couple that pasted faces at the back of another.  (Its not just people who don't like getting too close for comfort, eh?)  Some old ones were lucky enough to be scanned and saved in the PC yet they give the same feeling of nostalgia.

             Funny how innocent we look when we were young.  The eyes sparkle, no care in the world, and its smiles all around.  (You should see Chan-chan's teeth and Lyn-lyn's skirt!! Hahahahah..)  The places in the picture even look different.  The lives we had then were simple, true, uncomplicated.  Recalling the feelings and emotions we had  brings back unadulterated happiness.

            A lot of people may want to go back to those days and do life all over again.  Maybe, just maybe, they can do it differently knowing what they know now.  They all think they can do life better given the chance.  What they don't realize is all the choices, hardships, mistakes, and encounters they've had made them the persons they are now.  It's actually not that bad.

            When I look at my old pictures I embrace the memories I hold dear.  I have met a lot of people different from each other, laughed with family and friends 'til I cried, cried for something I had done and for what someone had done to me, sneaked out of the house while my parents were sleeping so my sisters and I could enjoy nights out.  Then meet up with my brothers who sneaked out earlier.  My dad used to grumble that there were no motorcycles left at home every night.  *grin*

            I treasure that day I gave birth and hugged Dart.  There was pride when I first saw the life I  helped sustain and protect for months and I feel it in every corner of my soul.  The moments when I saw him first smile, walk, crawl, laugh, dance, utter his first word, and then some, gave feelings that others may never have or may never realize.  Simple things that stir great emotions should be experienced at least once in our lifetime.  Never to be taken for granted or under-valued.  And not to be ridiculed by those who will never understand.

            I cradle the times I help build our home, aced my physics exam, wrote my first article, kicked my first goal, saw my first summit, won speech and oratorical contests, chaired the dance, props and communications committees AND organized my school's beauty pageant.  (Just organize, mind you.  I can't picture myself taking a walk down any ramp except those meant for gurneys, chairs with wheels and what not.  Hahah.)

            Anyway, old pictures remind me of the life I once had and everything in it.  That doesn't make my life now any less.  Being older and more mature does have its rewards that my younger days could never provide.  There's always the chance of making life better and patching the areas that got torn.  And there's always knowing everything there is to know to become wiser and happier.  It gives me the chance of find that one thing I was looking for.  Myself.

            *sigh*  I always make it a point to remember the old days.  On days that I feel down I look at old pictures to remind me of how far I have gone.  Oh, happy days.  And I will have more of those.  I have a good life, better than most.  I made this my own all by myself and I treasure everything in it, both the past and the present.  I don't want to change anything or prefer someone else's no matter how rich or how successful they are.  One thing's for sure, they don't have what I've got.