Yesterday was a break from the usual. I needed that for a long time. I longed for it in fact. But when it was about to go down I didn't know what to do, what to feel.
Standing there all I wanted was to feel it again. That need for comfort. I've wanted to drown myself to the embrace, hold on for as long as it can last and just get lost with it. And it didn't disappoint me. That certain feeling, surrounded by that warmth, has always calmed me. Although after the calm all ugliness came rushing in. I was worried the night with end up with another showdown.
I ignored it. There had been times when I was only tuned in to the hurt. Lots of times. I just wanted to settle to the good things that I remembered. I stopped myself from bursting and lashing out my pain. In all honesty, I want to forget the hurt.
It was okay. Both had feelings of regret and uncertainty that it felt odd. I can say that it was a bit weird afterwards. All that restrained feelings hanging in the air like smog. Can't ignore it. Can't breathe. We both didn't know what to do.
He acted nonchalant, high-pitched laugh and a demeanor much like a nervous "teenage girl". I was full of nerves, can't stay in one place for more than 30 seconds. I didn't even know what to cook. In a silent movie it would be hilarious. But there was no humor there. Just us being in one place at the same time loving and hating it all at once.
He tried to put both of us at ease by saying he missed my cooking. I didn't even know what to respond to that. Couldn't. We talked but not as serious. Just being there was enough. The simple things.
I don't need more. I have given up a long time ago. I'm tired of the cycle. I vowed to myself that more of it is not what I need. I just want no pain, no hatred, no anger. And maybe a little explanation if its offered. I want to settle into my own warmth, my own consolation, my own comfort without the need for someone else's. Before I do, I need to make peace with the ugliness of what was. I may always crave confrontations but I want things to be ok after.
He stayed. And it felt good to have that longed peace. I apologized for snapping, somehow sometimes I can't help it, but I stopped myself, not wanting to ruin it.
He stayed. And the nervous laughter continued. He acted like everything's fine. I asked myself if I am otherwise and realized I feel the same. There is still that strained air of silence at times yet it was okay. Bearable. If you ignore it you can think of something to say to fill in the gap. Its normal for us. The drama of our lives. No one should be so sure. In our case, not one of us should be sure.
There has been so much we have shared. The bad things I'll leave to myself to forget. No sense dwelling on that. And the good ones. A lot of things in common that I'd hate to lose. The things that he does that I'm proud of and have always been interested in. How we talk and discuss about anything, movies, music, weird news, opinions, etc., and how we both agree on a lot of things. It's like a best friend I've never had so to speak. But sharing that doesn't have to be romantic. No feelings, no emotions. It doesn't have to be anything more that what it is. I'd like that.
We are complicated. We had agreed on that a long time ago. Somehow we do the song and dance of what we are because its what we do. He once said that we go through our fights and make-ups that way because its how we do it. I agree. Yet there is so much one can bear. And who knows a break from it would be better.
I want to be seen as that friend. Nothing more.
After all that the coffee tasted so good. Nothing can beat coffee and talking early in the morning. It worked out well. There is nothing more to it. It is better if there isn't.
Amazingly, I feel happy. Now there is no more hatred. There is no more anger. I feel relieved that all of it is behind me. I want my life to be about me for now. Then I can do what I've always wanted. To step up another rung in the ladder, my ladder, of life and be the ME that I know. :)
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