I breathe in the fresh air of the morning and close my eyes. What a brilliant day it is. I just came from the infamous toil of life and heading towards my comfort. Home has a different meaning to me now.
A month ago, home was a symbol of tranquility. A place where I can lay my head down and relax my mind and body. I always feel free when I'm at home and rush to it after work. But it was also then that I face my ghosts. Whenever I awake I see and hear the monsters of my soul. They don't hurt me as much as before, though, but they are a constant reminder of what I want to leave behind. They feel like a mist of ugliness that hovers above and hugs its smokey essence around me in my waking hours. Subconsciously I brush them off and smile as I see them take a nameless shape. I have conquered my resolve not to let them affect my life. Still I see them around the house nothing but a hazy echo of the past. They became my constant passive companions. Harmless and forgettable.
Its different now. Home is where Dart resides. I get a hug every morning and that alone takes all the heaviness away. The minute he opens the door I would feel my heart leap and so full of love. There is calmness just sitting and listening to music or watching movies knowing that my love is beside me. I feel a different kind of joy in the aroma of food. I find pleasure seeing his happy eyes at the surprises I bring for him. Never have appreciation been fully appreciated and treasured. I have found my confirmation that I, too, can bring happiness that comes from a little box. The little things.
With him all grown up he helps around the house with chores. He is responsible for some things and makes sure that he has done them all when I get home. He doesn't ask for my approval but does his chores because they're his. We became a team and he my greatest companion.
He eats with vigor all that I cook trusting me that he'll love anything I present to him. He doesn't doubt for once if I can carry him along the journey of our lives. He knows now he belongs to me. His history has been laid out in front of him and I trust him to assess his life better too.
Months ago I thought what we have shared is already gone. He has grown and in his need to grow up fast I feared that his affection has also left me. But it hasn't. It has stayed dormant all these years waiting for me. When he first uttered "Mommy, read me a book." with that sweet, lovable voice of his I laughed and felt my heart swell. Learning that we still have this bond noone else has made me cry. I have never been this happy. For he has always been this sweet and I thought I have lost that.
Reaching for me for a hug or calling my name for one ("Mommy, hug hug sa ta please..") is music to my ears. I have missed that song and thought I'll never hear again. I hug him hard and full of love until he agrees to let go. I know he finds comfort inside my arms and I thank him for giving meaning to my life. He has replaced the ghosts and showed me a life much better than what they had offered me a long time ago. He did this all for me.
My son, so grown up yet still the baby that I know, has made my home worth more than just a place to come home to. It's a place we call our own.
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