A friend died. I learned about it when it was too late. Didn't even have the chance to be there, to see him, to comfort those who cared until the suffering has ended. For all the suffering and pain I had gone through in my life, as goes to everyone else, it will never compare to the grief of losing someone like that. I am a friend and it hurts.
In a way I know or may not know how his family feels. We couldn't believe it, the ones left of the whole group "the farouts", it sounded far-fetched. He couldn't be dead! We haven't seen him for a long time! We haven't caught up on the progress of our lives yet! I needed to read the message again informing me of his demise. I guess no one really believes that a person close to you would just leave like that at a young age.
He was a listener, the mature one, the silent one. We all remember how he was. Have pictures of him laughing with us. The memories of how the whole group was. I gathered all my pictures of days gone past. All the memories came rushing in. He was a very good friend to us all. And yet there is so much we don't know.
I went to his wake with April and Julie. Not how and where we would have wanted the meeting to be. I would have preferred to at least speak with him while on the throes of his sickness. Or on a lighter note, talk to him without any foreboding emptiness. But it was too late. Now there will never be a chance at that. He's to be buried on his birthday.. this Sunday..
When we arrived I saw the coffin with his graduation photo perched up on top. Just then I couldn't bear seeing him lying there. I remember that photo. How the 'farouts' manipulated our photo shoot so all of us will be there at the same time. I remember the group photo we convinced the photographer to take. I have it framed at home. I remember every detail and the fun we've had. So many photographs and memories.
Mark was a good friend. There were times when I needed to tell someone about what's going on in my life and he happened to be there. He was there to discuss programming with. Or to argue about programming analysis. He helped me the very first time my PC crashed. He was the quiet type whom everyone feels comfortable talking to. He was a part of our group. He was there when we went traipsing in Amlan and walked a far distance by the highway to stay at another friend's house. And now he's gone.
When I heard of the news I shut off any feeling of grief. Probably because part of me still can't believe the truth. Standing there by the door looking at that box that holds him I felt the rush of grief squeezing my heart. Its just not fair. How could he be gone? He has a wife and two boys and he has a very successful career now. Why does he have to leave?
I stayed outside while Julie and April went in. I saw them crying by him and I know that I would cry harder if I went with them. I sat by Fraulein, Mark's wife, and listened to her narrate the ordeal since the first week of February. I felt helpless. I know that I can't tell her enough how sad I am or that I know exactly how she feels. Because I don't. I can never fully describe how she feels about losing her partner, her friend, her life. My eyes can't tell her enough how I could possibly understand so I hugged her. I wanted her to feel that though I can't relate to her pain I know that its there.
I've never been good at suffering and depression. I ran away from it. I keep away from it. Looking at Fraulein I can't help but admire her strength. She stood by Mark in spite of his bullheadedness to see a doctor. She was still there when he was lying on the hospital bed holding to as much of Mark as she can. And here she is standing firm for her kids. I shook my head. I know I wasn't there and its admirable. It was also so heart-wrenching to see.
She told us how much he has changed since. He has made up for all the mistakes he did and she was happy at how he has grown. She said that they have already started to rebuild their lives after the storm that went pass it. Mark has shown her and the kids what he is about and what he is worth.
Some may ask why now. Why when Mark has already paid his debts to his family's love he had to leave. Others may say its unfair and that he should been allowed to continue on showing his wife and kids that he is the husband and the father worth fighting for. And I would've agreed if not for Fraulein. She was the one who showed me that she had been happy of what she saw, of the change in Mark, of how he has grown.
And I saw it. Saw what it all means and the purpose of it all. It would've been more of a tragedy if Mark died two years ago. When all the memories his wife had was of how he destroyed something they have kept so sacred. He was given a chance to prove himself to her. And he did so perfectly.
I realize that life is a fleeting experience and that any time it will all end. We'll never know when. Death comes to us all. It doesn't care if you still need to prove yourself to the world, or show the people who loves you that you love them too, or finish a million-peso company deal, or that you need to hug your children still. It does not wait for us to make up our minds. It comes in the least expected times. We can just all wish that when OUR time comes there's this someone who will stand by us until our last breath and will hold our love dear after we're gone.
Goodbye Mark.. We will truly miss you..
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