I met him over laughter. I laugh loud but he laughs louder. I didn't know who he was then. Just some friend of my close friends whom I haven't met. All I know is he's new, he's tall and he's so at home with my friends. My friends know I talk to people when the time comes, that I don't initiate conversation with people I rarely know, and that I let things alone.
I didn't like him then. Too loud for my taste and takes up too much space, my space. So when he cracks jokes I would continue reading my book, wished I brought an earplug and ignore him. He always coax Bismark to lay out in detail all his escapades and to every one's glee that feeds the hysteria. Sometimes I can't help but laugh and sometimes I just roll my eyes. They all like him, though, for reasons girls like guys of his stature and guys feel comfortable in his presence.
Girls turned their heads when he pass by. He does look so regal in that uniform, smells good too. And brags that he washed and pressed them himself. He is funny like that and so old school. He rarely wears perfume but as I said, he smells good. *grin* I realized later that he is the best looking guy in plain white t-shirt and old Levi's. Funny thing is, he was oblivious of girls' admiration towards him. But when he smiles that bright, warm smile of his they can't help but love him.
Yet I wasn't attracted to him. I don't go for first impressions. I talk to people first before I say anything about them. Talking is how people reveal themselves. I haven't talked to him yet and I've no reason to. We usually sit at opposite ends of the bench and I tend to turn my back. When the group go out I mind my own antics and he minds his. We don't outshine each other and respects the other's spotlight. He keeps quiet when I talk. I steal a little quiet talk on the side to whoever is next to me when he starts to open his mouth. *grin* As far as I was concerned, he was just a friend of the guys in my circle, the girls like him, he doesn't interest me and if he stays out of my way he'll last longer.
When we got used to each other's presence we started bickering. I expressed how annoying he is and he purposely annoy me more. It became a game to us, a greeting, an acknowledgement. I still hoped he'd disappear, especially on days I irritate easily more than most. But he was gentle, and nice, and funny, and loving. We finally met under the moonlight when he kissed my forehead. That surprised me and made me ignore him more. But he was there, he waited. He was patient and he understood when I ask him to wait until I am sure. He defied the odds with me, brave the storm of my chaotic life. Stood by me and comforted me. He gave me his strength so I can be strong, protected me from the coldness of my pain. On such a rare time I allowed someone to hear my woes and see me cry. He brought laughter in my heart and cradled my soul. He was my hero. I fell in love.
It would've been good until fate said its not time. He needed to go to do what is expected of him. We trust fate knows it is us in the end so he left and I waited. After some time I wondered about the loss and I got scared. If it were up to us there will be no separation, but life has other plans, and we were deceived. We both thought we got left behind by the other.
Life went on, and on, and on until six years later we crossed paths again. Nothing dramatic, I didn't expect anything like that, but it was indeed symbolic. For years I've rehearsed what I was gonna say to him. But it all went awry. All negative feelings disappeared. Its never easy when you're already by the bridge, right? In the end, time has paled the conflict and meeting again made everything really seem like an anthill. And it was. I thought I will never see him again, that there'll be no chance in the world. But I did see him again. It is enough that he is back.
We tried to build something for us. Plans made that carried me off my feet. It both excite and scare me. I was really overwhelmed at what has been happening. Who would've imagined we've meet again after years of separation let alone make plans for the future. He's still the same knight that I remembered, gentle, God-fearing, kind, very understanding, devoted, honest, responsible, truthful, all that and more. And still the funniest, most mature guy I know. We talked everyday and he visited me. That time he showed me how wonderful he still is. He took care of me, protected me and assured me. The time we spent was enough to make up for the years we've lost. Life was again good.
He was so eager to make changes in his life. He wanted it so bad that he rushed everything up. He couldn't wait. Our lives are far apart and someone needs to move to solve that problem. He wants me to decide and fast. I wanted it too, the plans of a future with him. I waited for it, longed for it. Just thinking about being together again was enough for me to believe in the real thing. But it scared me. There were lots of things to consider, arrangements to be made. And I was reluctant to let go of the life I proudly created all by myself, to be far from my family not able to visit them as much or for him to come to me and leave his life behind. What if it won't work out? What if we make a mistake? What if he suddenly leaves? In a way I got the jitters. It scared me so much I lost sleep over it. I needed him to talk to me more, to assure me more that things will be all right, to tell me that we can do this together. In truth, it scared me so much.
Then I made the mistake of my life. I was reeled in on the promise of forever. Out of someone else's selfish motives I got even more reluctant to make a decision. I was led astray because someone thought he can do better in making me happy. In truth, it was just to ruin a good thing I may have with someone else by fooling me to believe he has changed, maybe because he ruin what chance he had. My doubts were used to make the worse decision of my life. I will always regret how manipulative other people can be and how I gave someone another chance when he doesn't deserve it. Someone who has shown and proved nothing but deceit beyond words. The one person, so full of lies it was overwhelming, who doesn't deserve anything.
But it hurt the person who has not done anything to hurt me. It broke him so much that he went away. I asked for forgiveness but realized how much he must have hurt for him to stay away that long. Two years after what happened I still remember sadly how I blew it. I may be scared then to step up the next stage of life but I knew we could work it out. I should have known that he CAN make things better for the both of us. As reliable and responsible as he is he will never give up until I am convinced of it. But that's gone now. I often wondered what the reason for seeing each other again after six years was. The chance of being happy with him passed by and I let it slip. Fate have ruled us to be together but I got so confused and unsure. Now I have nothing but regrets.
I still can't forgive the person who ruined it all. Whenever I see him he is all but a liar to me. For a time I long for comfort but as I try I cannot find it in him. How I look at him with disdain to purposely pry me away from my chance of a better life, better than what he knew he can give. I kept forgiving him but he can't help what he is. I guess that is what he is entirely, a brute who thinks he is better than most, a selfish failure, in the aspect of loyalty and truthfulness, who use your vulnerability to manipulate and get what he wants. Sad to say, that's what he'll always be, no one can do anything about it.
I don't expect things to be the same but all I wish for is forgiveness now. Forgiveness from the very person that got hurt in all this. He was the one true thing that got away. I'll keep hoping that in time he will find it in him to do so. Time heals faster than most. I'll be here.
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